Single. New job. New York City. Barely two months ago, I had no idea any of that would be the case.
I had lived in Washington, DC for 10 years and watched the Obama era shift fully into Trump’s America. My job had become a constant manic-depressive Groundhog Day. And my relationship was not too far from that either, honestly. I had s boyfriend who I loved, but whose fear of getting deported had seeped into his natural sweet curiosity and made him closed-off, worried, distant.
I could have continued pushing him away by trying to help him. All my friends were hunkering down and pairing up. Buying property. Getting married. Or at least getting a dog. My hunkering down was more of a blowing-up.
A shot-in-the-dark job interview turned into an offer, an apartment hunt, a resignation letter, a train ride. The relationship deteriorated into a final dinner with tears (mine) and confusing promises to visit (his).
And now here we are. On an air mattress in an empty apartment, with more energy than I’ve felt in a really long time. When I first moved to DC, everything felt like something to be explored. I went way outside of my previous comfort zone. I dated a couple, attended sex parties, learned what I liked and felt comfortable with.
It was all thrilling, but it was my early twenties. I hadn’t learned how to set boundaries, or even know when I needed them. I met people who revealed themselves to be creepy, clingy, or verbally abusive. I watched my relationships start off with butterflies and end with panic attacks.
And now it’s as though I’m back in the same place, 10 years later. All the possibilities are still there, and now I have a little more of an idea where they might lead.
But I don’t want to be in the same position as before. I want adventure, and don’t want to be scared or weak, passive or uncertain. I want to explore, and be respected and heard. I want to assert myself, and I don’t want to feel like I’m fighting anyone to do so.
I don’t know how that will present itself. But stay tuned because I know I’ll write about it.