it has started again, this feeling of been down trodden. i want it to stop, i want to step out of this depressed state. this is a cry for help, Melissa thought as she sat down by the window. thinking about what she wants her life to be and what her life is actually looking like at this very moment. they seemed so far apart, this broke her heart.
she hasn't found her purpose in life and the best part of her days she spends mopping around and comparing herself to others.
what is purpose she thought, how do i find mine? what do i really need to do. how can i stop with the comparison, how can i stop with the self hating, the self doubt, the pain and the unfulfillment. how do i finish what i started, how do i get to the next phase in my life? so many questions. so many unanswered questions.
what do i do? she wanted to scream, but she has grown up trying to be so strong and now it is so hard to let anyone in, she doesn't let anyone see the damage, she doesn't let anyone know she is hurting. how then does she expect to get helped out of her situation. how then will the damage be seen and addressed. how has she survived this long with all that is messed up inside of her.
DAMAGED.
damaged the enemies whispered. you are no good they say, how do you expect to amount to anything good.
SHAME.
you walk in shame, with your head down, so scared to speak up, so scared that you would be ridiculed and you miss that chance. you lost your shot. and the sad part is this, those damaged areas would be used as the excuse for why you did not make it. you would say, oh they would have laughed at me. i was scared, i didn't want to feel that humiliation again. i already know that feeling and it is not a good one.
ACCEPTANCE.
accept that you are broken, accept that you are damaged, then come to the presence of the king and ask that he fix you. ask and you shall be given, but first you have to admit that you have a problem. stop trying to fix it alone. we don't understand this, but God wants you in that state of weakness, he wants to show up his strength in you but you have to be willing to admit that you are broken and then give it all to him. hug all your shades of brokenness, they are all yours, gather them and hand them over to the Almighty.
CHANGING THE MINDSET.
you cant expect something to change when you are not ready to change your mindset. you cant expect God to forcefully move you from point a to b. he can do it though, but why then did he give you free will. you have to mentally move yourself from where you are to where you want to be.
that is the only way it can work.
many of us, myself included are in the state of finding our purpose in life, and trust when i say that it aint an easy task. sometimes you feel you have taken a step in the right direction, only for you to find yourself way worst than you started out.
I GIVE IT ALL TO JESUS.
yes, i give it all, that is my decision. i have realized i can't do it alone. lord, i need you, i really do. i am drowning in a state of confusion and there are many others like me.
LOCATE ALL OUR DAMAGES AND FIX THEM.
most people take drugs to mask the pain, to feel ignorantly blissful for a while. but like Kanye said, whats worst, the pain or the hangover? that happiness is temporary and drug induced, it does not last, you just end up an addict. one more problem added to the existing pile.
I AM TIRED, I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE ANYMORE.
I AM BROKEN, FIX ME.
