As a child, I pondered upon the mysteries I had heard of God. The man in the sky, who was way up high yet everywhere all at once. I remember thinking, ' does He ever look away or close his eyes'? You can imagine my mind wondering; 'if He watches ALL the time' and 'does He know that it would not ALWAYS be polite'?
As some years went by and I reached my teens I took to learning all about Him. He intrigued my soul and I just wanted to personally know Him. I read and I read, no direction or discretion~ I just opened His Word and paged to where I felt led. I got to understand the stories at hand, His Promises, and His Blessings.
Questioning God
There was, however, one of those stories that I couldn't understand nor did I really think I wanted too. It was so awful you see, it was the saddest possibility this life could have to offer... I read it and reread it and tried to make sense, I spoke with the sisters and brothers. It was the one thing in that book you see I just felt so strongly intent, there had to be some kind of mistake, or at least some kind of fable to teach the moral of a lesson. Surely God would not allow a good man to lose his whole family? Nevermind that eventually God replaces the old family with a new family, surely this is no compensation for those you loved?
That was my thoughts when I read the book of Job and I just knew it was a book that hurt my heart and grieved my soul the first time I ever read it.
Growing Up
I was a child from a broken home, an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mum. I eventually found myself in a home for children and then foster-care. At thirteen, I was legally emancipated by the state to become my own legal adult and was told to go make it on my own. I was too young to get a real job and my social worker co-signed for me to get an apartment. I will just say it did not go so well. A few years of trying to survive.
Finding God In My Life
In my later teens, I started getting once again very interested in finding out more about this God. I started to study and I read front to end, I studied revelations and I loved the prophecies. I fell in love with 'Him', I let Him consume my life again. I still did a dance with my walk and my sin, I was not quite ready to give all the way in.
When I was nineteen I had my first baby, she was my light, my joy, and my everything. I was still trying to find my place in this world that matters and made more sense, I was still learning to be my best.
My Folks
As I reached into my early twenties, I was able to make new bonds with the woman I called mom. She had a new lease on life and was mentally new. I was so grateful and starved for her love, I jumped all in and my best friend she was. My dad, well we never bonded much as I grew up and he moved away, I did love him, and missed him, and bitter-sweet was our end. He died before we could try again.
Married With Children
By the end of my twenties, I married a man. He said He loved God and so did his fam, He said 'My daddy's a preacher and my mom leads the church choir, come follow me and I will make your days all worthwhile'. I said 'You're too young for me but my mom says age is just a number, okay I will go since you love me and my daughter. Besides, your upbringing seems so right'.
And the bells they rang and the children they came; one, two, three, four and five.
Hindsight
But it was too late when I heard the phrase; "beware of the preacher's son", for all the fights that we had, and the nights with no dad, the tears that we cried while we'd run. The drugs that he did and the pleading to forgive, the shelters we stayed in and the doors we barricaded it just never was any fun. He did know how to worship and we did fall on our knees, we did cry out together for God to save our family. I believe he did want that but maybe not enough, maybe we both were tired of chasing too many ghosts. He eventually found his way into a facility, that said he would one day be a new man.
Orphan
In my early thirties, the day arose, my momma who I was just with the day before, she baked a purple birthday cake for my five-year-old son (his request). Then left me with a hug and a see you later, she went home and had died in her bed. Pneumonia they said. I never knew she was that sick. I had no freaking idea. She left me without warning, my very best- friend, my 'finally momma', gone, surreal.
Widow
And then not one year later, right next door to the building my momma lived and died in; my husband met the other side. He over-dosed. Just a couple months out of treatment, he left me here with children to rear and a heartbroken ending to a dream gone.
Orphaned Widowed Childless Mother
One year after that, his "Christian" family pooled together lawyer money to take custody of my five babies. The grounds were "Best-Interest" considering they are a two parent rather than single-parent home, they have more money and the use of incredibly deceitful and evil corrupt systems (See my website; https://stolenchild.club ) with which to do it. I was never found an unfit mother nor did I ever harm my babies in any way, NEVER, yet it remains four years and counting since I last seen or heard from any of them. Taken.
In just a couple of years span, I became an orphan. A widow. And then a mother without children.
Beyond Repair
For me, I would not want a "new and improved" family. There is nothing that can replace my loss. My soul is broken in millions of pieces, and every day I have to find reasons to stay alive. Sometimes that is easy. I keep myself busy. I throw myself into a world of learning, creating, discovering. I have my pets that I cherish and hold dear, I have a few friends that I can count on and can lean on, and my eldest amazing daughter I get to see once in awhile, and I have a heart to help heal the world of all sadness.
Sometimes it is more than I can bear, and I ugly cry until I lose my voice.
Fight Back
My fight back is to love back the hurting world around me. I know that pain. I know that long-suffering! Even though God allowed my life to fall by way of the very book I feared so, He has not forsaken me. He is with me and He counts my tears. He also created me to be who I am even before I was a daughter, mom or wife.
So it is my journey to set out anew and find out just who I really am. To conquer life as a student and to beat all odds. To be the best I can be and always love deeply those within my reach. There is no guarantee how long any of us have or where our story continues, so treat each day as if on borrowed time and embrace it like it's your last.
I Can Do All Things Through Faith
Today, the life of Job I would not wish on anyone, it was my greatest fear. But in living out that dreaded fate, I take that incomprehensible leap of faith, and I rise.
(Before I understood the tags I tagged this one wrong, please forgive my update edit)
