So, I'm looking for a specific kind of lead on coping with significant childhood sexual trauma.
I'm either way past needing to forgive myself or my abuser, way past just moving on and living a happy life OR my ability to do that so easily is a particularly symptom of my trauma.
For example, my mother and I were both abused, but I am beginning to see how different hers effected her, vs mine effected me.
She was continually sexuality abused by her grandfather, for her innocence. She felt no arousal, and she was manipulated and coerced and chronically uncomfortable. She needed to hate him for a long time, then come to grips with what happened, forgive him, forgive herself, and move on.
I, however, was awoken, at the age of 4, in my bed, in the middle of the night, by an uncle I barely knew, who became more an undifferentiated assortment of suffocating me, disembodied body parts I didn't understand, and it was an arousing experience for me. Then it was over, he was gone, and I spent... My entire childhood and adulthood trying to make sense of.. Arousal that comes from someone else's use of someone who doesn't seem to matter or exist. During this trauma, I was strangled and terrified, but aroused. I know this because flashbacks (like the real, full blown, full body PTSD kind) always begin with my body feeling aroused in ways just doesn't happen to me in my life. It also comes with terror and suffocation.
Now, I don't have any resentment or anger. I don't hold it against my innocent childhood self for seeking out stimulation, exploring other children, etc etc. I get it. I feel empathy for that little girl. And I did such awful things that it was even easy for me to forgive my uncle, who I feel I can understand what that messed up sexual system can cause you to do. (besides, he's dead whatever, who the hell cares? It's irrelevant).
Today, I surfaced another PTSD flashback - - one I'd never really consciously acknowledged. And the alarming thing to me is... It's confusing but I'll try.
I had a girlfriend who was in a very very messed up family situation. My mom could tell. We were 10, and my mom could tell these people were not like our "well-to-do" family. She never wanted me to go to her house but I fought for it. I craved it. I lied, I did whatever I could to go over there. Today I realized that intense sexual/rape daydreams I have are linked to things that went on there. I believe her father was very violent, and he would force us all (including a younger brother) to do sexual things, and the strong fantasies I've always had include the father aggressively raping one of us girls, but I don't have any way of identifying that that could have been me. I feel like I would know but this shit is so hard for me to grasp or to remember clearly. The thing is, when the flashback hit today, my body reacted one way, while my mind just didn't. I sobbed, snot, and spit everywhere, and almost vomited all over my bed, but in my mind, I remembered how much I craved going there. How much I liked the sexual games I remember us kids played. I did not experience anything the registered as trauma at the time. One of these reactions would make sense to me, but both simultaneously completely perplex me. To 1. Feel my body just break down in obvious trauma at the memory, feels like obviously something terrible happened, but 2. Remember clearly lying to be able to keep going back... To have such fond memories.... I feel like whatever was completely broken inside of me was broken by then. The ability to not even, at the time, experience any kind of trauma or resistance but for my body now, to have all of that stored.... Confused me. To no end.
I know that my sexual response systems are... Broken down. Broken apart. Sex, for me, has been all over the place, but mostly painful. To achieve orgasm, I usual have a flood of rape scenes or fantasies in my head. And it's... Like a superficial, physical reaction. But when I dream.... This deep sexual arousal comes from deep inside of me and I have these full body orgasms. If I wake up just before I orgasm and try to touch myself, it feels like a completely different body. Nothing about my skin or physical sensation is connected to the red hot sexual energy that built up in my sleep. Completely inaccessible once I'm awake.
I don't need advice on how to move on, or forgive, or to live my happy life, but I would like any leads on how the hell to integrate my systems.
If a family member dies, I feel nothing.
It's easy for me to dissociate and disconnect from my husband, my life, my family.
Are these just permanent? I mean, I've been this way since my very first memories. I literally don't know any other way, or myself as any other person.
As long as I'm not triggered, I'm extremely empathetic, sensitive, close, and passionate. But I turn into a completely different person at times.
If this is just how it is, that's fine. I navigate I understand myself. I'm going to be a mother soon, and I know that'll change things, but if there are people out there who have hit this level of... Just standing at the Crack left behind, and seeing how disjointed significant parts of who they are, and must be, are, and found ways to 1. Understand the the neurology, what this is, how to understand it better and/or 2. How to work on mending such a massive gap and gaining access to negative feelings and emotions, as well as deep sexuality, etc. I would be most eager to hear those kinds of thoughts, leads, and experiences.
I have not been able to work for some time, and I cannot get my health and stability back underneath of me. So, I haven't had income in over a year, and I don't have any funds at all to start finding and trying my hand with various therapists. If I had the funds, I'd go to any promising therapist I could find. I'm working on it. For now, I'm on my own. Hoping to get some of this figured out before I enter into motherhood at the end of the year.
What kind of therapies help with these deep neurological divides? What kind of coping techniques are healthy and help with preventing the flashbacks from knocking you off the horse for days?