Hello steemians! It is the first time to share my story in social media, because I'm not used to it. But I found this platform as comfort zone to someone who need to exposed beyond what is within yourself, about life and things that makes you out of your shell, where in you can freely share and give opinions without judging anybody and this is right place.Here's my story.
It was too young to be a widow at the age of 30.It was all started 2015, a year when I got married to a man I thought I can share for a lifetime.
But life is unpredictable ,it turns out the worst year for me.It was Month of August I had miscarriage in my first pregnancy I never forget that time I cried every night because I was blaming myself for what happen to my first baby, my husband always comfort me and told me to accept it that maybe it was not for us, that someday God give me another one.
Weeks passed by, I think 2 weeks after my miscarriage my mom died, for colon cancer it was a hard times to our family, she 's been diagnose and had an operation,for more than a year.Her doctor advise for chemotherapy but we can't afford for that kind of treatment,so the doctor gave her an oral medication because we're not a well off family to sustain those expensive medication and our family lend a large amount of money to our relative and friends even to the stranger, we're doing everything as far as we can as family so that our my mom can undergo operation at that time.It was very painful to us to saw my mom suffered too much.She didn't survive. Just like other people who have this kind of chronic illness even the riches,the famous and the ordinary people can never bet death. But now she is in the resting place with the lord, she is at peace and no more pain.
Two months passed, life for us is different because we loss our mother whom we loved most.But we're trying to back our life in usual, going to work,school,doing things as ordinary life.
I thought that was enough for this kind of trial, that in all this pain there will be an end but it wasn't, my husband died for cardiac arrest after 2 months death of my mom.What a unfair life I had, trials didn't leave me alone, It's stuck in my life, and I don't know when it will perish.All the bitterness in life,pain, mourning and grieving are destined to be part of me, that time I don't know what to do, I want to cry out but tears didn't roll down onto my cheeks, no more tears to cooperate the pain I've been through.My family and friends trying to comfort me, to move on and accept but move and accept is not easy for me,In all the this trial how can I move on?. My life was in miserable and it will until I die, that the thoughts I had in mind,I asked God of many why's, why you allowed to suffer me like this.I was a mess,I blame him. Me and my husband going to church every Sunday and attended a bible study every Sunday night, I was not taken for granted to praise Him and ask for his guidance.We never forget him, but where is God when my life is in the mess.I stop attended mass and bible study at that time, I want to be alone and cry all day. Until, one of my friend in bible study sent me a bible verse, Matthew 11:28-3028 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”It reminds me with my husband, Everyday he sends a bible verse all of his friend through text,he will always have a load monthly in order to do this, when I asked why he's doing that and he said that's only thing he can do for God for serving him in a little way. At the moment as i read the verse it reflects my life.,In all my burdens God will never forsake me.Months later I try myself to live in normal life, and hope that someday all of the pain will be healed.I started again to go to church and attend bible study.Little by little I was in the process of healing. I asked God for forgiveness that I question his capability. I realized in all this trial God tested my faith to him, and I should not give up, I must trust his plan for me.That in all the circumstances makes me more strong to face it and asking God for help and strength, not blaming him.
Earlier in 2016, Crisis strike again, but not in my love ones this time it was me. I was diagnose Stage 3 breast cancer, as the time i read my result for biopsy.I want to close my eyes and pray that I was just dreaming and it is not true. I try to open my eyes and read it again and again my sister who is with me thought that I will be crying, but Ironically She is the one crying, I told her don't cry you are not the one who are sick.I just trying to comfort myself to be calm, my reaction is not the same in the past, maybe because I understand now that no matter the pain and no matter the physical exhaustion, I will never give up to trust him ,this time there is sense of acceptance.My doctor advise me to undergo 6 cycle chemotherapy as my treatment and I need to prepare an amount 41,000 every cycle and asked him if is there other way or treatment except chemo?and as doctor for cancer he answered no, but still I asked how about cheaper chemo,he told me there are cheaper chemo but for the kind of cancer cells that I have I need to have a expensive one,then I asked him how many percent will I survive if i undergo chemo and he said 50/50 depend how the reaction of the medication in my body, there was no assurance at all. So, that time I decided to do not undergo chemo, first reason I can't afford because is too expensive, I cannot sustain the medication, and most of all there was no assurance at all. I find other ways to look for alternative or herbal medicine. But it won't make me feel better, year after it was month of May of 2017 I undergo mastectomy operation and advise again to have a chemo but still I refuse it, same reason.
This photo is from my friend in college during her visits to me at the hospital.
So I undergo Immunotherapy,
Today,I'm trying to live normal life I had. But I know it's different now, everything was change. But life must go on and live the life God given me, take the chances and look forward be optimistic that someday I will be healed it may not be physical healing but in spiritual healing.
And I want to hold this qoutes: I heard this when I watch Joel Osteen show,Ease is coming, You may be struggling now , but that is not permanent, God is coming to ease the pain.
"Tasting God's Goodness in Bitter Times" I read this from the book of William B. Girao
I want to share some bible verse that gives me more encouragement:
Deuteronomy 31:6New King James Version (NKJV)
6 Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
Psalm 18:6New King James Version (NKJV)
6 In my distress I called upon the Lord,
And cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.
I hope you are inspired in my story especially to those who are going some obstacle in life, You are not alone , I'am here same as you are, Do not give up. Put in mind: God is bigger than our problem. Fight the Good fight of faith.
Thank u for dropping by...God bless ! Everyone...