I have been thinking a bit more than I usually do before writing this post. The truth is that I haven't been able to find the words to say what I am about to share and do it justice. I've gone through the topic in my head quite a bit over the last couple of days and it in many ways reflects my journey and previous posts, but I feel that somehow a deeper understanding set in while I was on this trip that I just took. Without further ado, here is my mission update and some reflections from my recent trip, there will be more that focus on other things, but this is the one I feel is most important and relevant, it gives the other topics I have to go over much more context and clarity.
I have spent a lot of time and much of my writing exploring the concept of self, relationships, and limiting beliefs. I have done my best to share the process in it's entirety to take a person on the edge of mental and emotional collapse and rebuild my own understanding of life, love, and many other topics in efforts to help someone. What I got was a lot of self help, a sense of community, and a lot of understanding and new friends along my path of self discovery. I find it funny how much my perspective has shifted and expanded over the last few months and what better day than 7/7/17 to finally fully acknowledge it to the best of my ability.
I feel that my concept of everything has changed greatly from where I started. I fell in love with someone and it was that real love that makes us do "stupid things" like question our entire comprehension of reality and self, and while it broke who I was entirely and I feel like a different person in many respects, I am more grateful for that new comprehension of love than I have ever been for anything in my life. Love isn't a simple feeling, it's the basis of all of our positive emotional energy and I feel like it's what grounds us into a life of positivity as opposed to negativity based on fear.
I think I was having trouble letting go in some respects, even though I felt like I've let go of so much, but the simple truth that I've come to is that hope never has to die. Love doesn't work like that. Love isn't being hopelessly committed someone that isn't speaking to me, it's about being hopeless devoted to becoming the best person that I can possible be and my ability to share that with the world. I have had to accept many things, and the hardest is probably that regardless of whether or not I ever see or speak to her again, I don't need to, because whatever that relationship was, it was what I needed to change and I have.
The person I am now and the ability that I have developed to be able to find perfection and love in all of the challenges and difficult lessons the universe can throw at me to teach me things, well this person would look at who I used to be and who she was with compassion and say that we were both incredibly ignorant and well-meaning fools. I don't need to understand or speculate her side of things anymore, because I realize that people and things come into our life to teach us things and offer new experiences on the same energetic frequency that we are putting out.
I can't and don't want that old life back, so I have struggled with letting go of her, because I feel in some ways indebted for the lessons and understanding I gained, but the point is that she didn't give me that, I found it myself. We can't make another person our reason for change anymore than we could hope to change them into what we want. Love doesn't work like that, and while I can now realize that I have the ability to love who I choose to love and want what I choose to want, I don't owe anyone or anything to anyone. I am the source of my own reality, just as much as anyone else is the source of their own reality. If she ever comes back into my life it won't be what it was before and that is a good thing, because what it was before wasn't enough for me and it never could have been. I'm not sorry for wanting more out of life.
That being said, I find it interesting to consider all of the new possibilities for my own life. The best part is that when we are looking for our "forever" someone, it forces us to find ourselves and grow exponentially. I know who I am now and what I want more clearly than I ever have before, and while I can't ever know where that comes from or how it appears, I don't have to give up hope on anyone, because once again, love doesn't work like that. It isn't about possessiveness or control, it doesn't care if we understand it, and unconditional love isn't limited by our ability to embrace and share it, it's the basis of all creation and it isn't something we could ever hope to contain or control. Love is the cure for fear, and I'm no longer afraid of anything, especially not myself or love. Namaste.