i dont know, i just getting this feeling that is making me wanna write things about me or about what is happening to me, i dont know why, maybe im searching for answers, advice or just someone to say "you are not alone, i know what you are feeling...".
next week starts the exams in my university i got 3 to take, make, you pick the word mate, i should somehow be happy ill get my so awaited vacations, but im not, since that happened ive been feeling this emptiness, this void, i dont know its a feeling im very familiar with but at the same time not, its like you know you got something in you pocket something light and you are doing something or just sitting then after sometime you dont feel anymore this thing in your pocket and then you start to feel again.
Its like when you are looking for the keys to whether its for your car or a door but the keys are in your pocket but you dont feel it because it is too light you lost track of it or something and then when you are tired of searching you put your hand in your pocket not to search for you key but just because you wanted to put it there then you feel it and you feel stupid or something because you spent a lot of time searching for something it was with you the whole time.
Yeah wish that kind of relatively funny situation was what happened and is still happening to me, but i dont know, im so complicated i cant even have a clue of how complicated i am.
Possibilities, at some point of my life i learned a lot about possibilities, i read philosophy books , existentialism books, creative books, anything that could teach me more about possibilities and somehow i feel like it broke me, now even when someone says "hi" to me i start thinking about a lot of things, possibilities of why he/she said "hi" to me, whats the answer i should give to her/him, what will happen if i give this answer or that or that... yeah this kind of thoughts would just appear into my head and in the end i would end up screwing with most of the things that would appear in my life.
So that is one of the reasons, i guess the main one why i dont go to the girl i wanted my whole life till now, because everytime i think about going there start a relationship i just see possibilities where in the future i fall in a hole and take her with me and she doesnt deserve that, whenever i say "today is the day im going to tell her what i feel" i say to myself
"ok so youre going there and tell her that so whats next?
what if she says yes, are you prepared for whats coming?, the boyfriend title, the responsabilities that comes along?
so say you marry her in a near future, you think getting a job is easy?
you are still living with your dad imagine getting a girl when you cannot live by yourself, think youre the only one who wants a job or whos after a job?
thousands are and what makes you think youll be the one to get it in the end?
will you be able to provide her with everyting she has rights too or she deserves?
you must be full of yourself if you think you can manage these things , just forget it theres plenty of guys who are worthy of her and you are not one of them."
And then i start thinking about dozens of possibilities of things going south. yeah sometimes i hate myself for having this brain. so last week 3 of my friends came to my house to take to just wander in some places, so we went to my citys CHINATOWN, to the port where the ships are and to the airport, the mother of one of my friends gave him her car keys just to wander around, but we are not "normal" we didnt know where to go or where people usually go or do when they have a car at their disposal so, for some it was a boring day but for us, we were "the dudes" we felt like we owned the town. so when we went to the airport.
one of my friends, we were four counting with me of course, so one them took his cellphone and said "im going to call the girl you love", almost choke when i heard that, wasnt breathing well either so i said to him, no dont do this, we are not talking anymore, he said what?
because of the possibilities that would run into my head everytime, i ended up sending a message to her saying i wont talk to her ever again and i would erase her from my head, ok i know, bad move, ok ok i already know that dont judge me just continue reading.
so the girl i want is someone narcissistic, stubborn and more but somehow i feel for her something i do not feel for anyone i met in my whole life, and trust me ive seen plenty i ive met many people, when i see her i start losing my motor skills i start breathing uncontrollably, i start feel something warm in me and cold at the same time, i feel fear and happiness, i feel like i want to runnaway and staying there and the same time my heart beats so fast sometimes i think if i see her after 2 days without eating i may die from a heart attack or weakness or something.
she on top of everything is someone sensitive, emotional. recently her cheeks because of some illness got a little bit bigger but you know women, nothing is little, some dudes i heard made fun of her and she didnt want to come to the university since we are not doing the same course i barely see her in the university , so one day i saw he going home from the university i was going home too, then my friend sent a message saying the docent arrived, i would miss the chance of going going home with her, our houses are in the same way so we would take 2 buses and we would walk a couple of meters together not mentioning i would take her home to ensure she would get home safely right, now thats a great move aint it?
so on the way home she told about everything, about her cheeks and how some dudes made fun of her which made me so mad, i wanted to infect their computer with some malware to make their life a living psychotic hell but she said she was okay at first i didnt notice her cheeks, then when i noticed them, i lost it, i was hypnotizes. The cutest thing ive ever lied my eyes on, i wanted to touch them, push them, do everything i felt like a flame was consuming me with the desire of have those cheeks for me, when said to her she was amazing and when i opened i showed her what i was feeling about those cheeks she thought i was making fun of her too, tried to explain im not like the people she met im different i see the world in my own way, but she wouldnt listen, so one day i couldnt resist but talk about her cheeks, and she said she wouldnt talk to me again.
So that day she would make a surgery and i sent her a message promising her i wouldnt bother her anymore, wouldnt talk to her, i would even pretend she did not exist only if she would tell me how the surgery went and if shes ok?
she answered me after the surgery so i kept my part and just started to ignore her hoping i would erase her someday from my head although i know thats impossible for me so. One day i didnt resist, i messaged her and she answered me, so we started talking again and 2 days later i talked about her cheeks and i blew with everything again and she didnt answer my texts or calls which brings us to last week at the airport when my friend was trying to call her.
so i explained to my friend everythin but he would listen he called her anyways and since she doesnt have his number she would answer, the first try she didnt answer, then after some time she send a text saying hi, then he called her again, i swear i tried everything to stop them from doing that but it was 3 against 1 so, and i was planning on calling her in the night that day so, my friend gave me a script so i would say something instead of freezing up he said:
"say to her, we need a guide to show us the city since we are not the going outside of the house type and she kinda is.". you terrible script.
she answered and didnt recognize my voice, when i said my name it was like when you hear the name of your worst enemy, she started to yell saying she was studying and never wants to talk to me again, to not call her anymore, i said to her to calm for a little bit and explain why, but she wouldnt listen i noticed she was mad deeply mad, so she yelled for another 20 seconds which felt like 5minutes and just hung the phone, after realizing what they've done they said sorry and stood quiet i was destroyed and still am i just wanted to get home and i dont know sleep or something.
she has everything any girl have, she doesnt have anything special, i mean physical atributes many have more and less, mental attributes same thing, but why the things i feel for her i dont feel for anyone else why? i met girls, just friends with better voice personality and all that but everytime i try to get to know any other girls they make me feel like im dying, the more i talk to them, the more i feel my heart getting weakear, the bpm slowing, but when i just hear her voice, just see her even from a 180meters aways my heart starts racing i feel more alive than ever , why is that.
why you, why my? i didnt ask for this, i am searching for answers about something, when i see others i know i wont find the answers there but when i see you i feel like i should search in you i dont know if you have the answer but i just feel like you have something, something always makes me want to search for the answer in you, but with any other girls i already know i wont find the answer so i dont event try, why?
Who are you? What are you?
i just wanted to share, sorry for the typo errors.
comment if you have a girl like that in your life, she is the bug i know i wont ever fix in my system.
Clevercoin2.