You say that you had faith and then lost it.

Yet, lookit - all you ever had and described having - were the outside trappings of a religious life. Like so many women, you were and still are but a clown, a dressed up mime trying to ape and exaggerate the movements of spirit you've never had, because that was your job in the circus.

As an ordinary woman without any profound Jean d'Arc gifts or leanings, you never had faith to begin with, and were never supposed to clownishly pretend to have it.

Your prescribed path lay through love. Loving and unconditionally serving a righteous husband, one who has unshakeable faith, would ironically have saved you by connecting you to the Kingdom of God through the husband. Sadly, today's circumstance has inverted all this for you and left you stranded for good.