"Once upon a time ..."
I have often been asked about the meaning of the Church of Perpetual Astonishment and how it all started.
There came a time in my life when I finally got it - when in the midst of a 'relationshit' break up with all my fears and insanity I stopped dead in my tracks, and somewhere the voice inside my head cried out - "ENOUGH! Wake up from the drama, the story that you are telling yourself. Figure out what is really true ... and what is not! Go and do the work". The work of Byron Katie has been hugely insightful in the process. In fact, Byron Katie is one of my heroes.
http://tanyasharm.blogspot.co.id/2016/03/
Ever noticed how quickly things can change when you ‘get it’ and can see thru the illusion or story you have been telling yourself?
So finally I got it…. enough - fighting and crying, struggling to hold on to something that simply had run its course. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, my sobs began to subside, I shuddered once or twice, I blinked back my tears and through a mantle of wet lashes I begun to look at the world through new eyes and had to laugh as asked myself: Do you want to change now or whenever you want to?
I realised that it was time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
"WAKING UP"
I woke up to the fact that I am not perfect and that not everyone will always love appreciate or approve of who or what I am . . . and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions because I am not here to live up to anyone’s expectations, nor is anyone else here to live up to my expectations…. sometimes I forget that… I must admit)
In the process I learned the importance of loving and championing myself. A sense of newfound confidence was born of self-approval by recognising that I don’t need to believe all the stories that I am telling others or myself. I made more of an effort to stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to me (or didn't do for me) and I learned that the only thing I can really count on is the unexpected…a sense of perpetual astonishment started to emerge as the journey began questioning my thinking, assumptions and beliefs about life. A time of profound changes took place, a time where I didn’t know if this journey was going to change my way of operating.
I came to appreciate that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for me and that it's not always about me…in fact most often it is not unless I believe it to be so otherwise. Hence I became more curious instead of righteous and made it a practice clarifying my own communications and to verify the response rather than jumping to conclusions when the proverbial hits the fan.
I learned to stand on my own and to take care of myself and in the process a sense of safety & security was born of self-reliance. I stopped judging and pointing fingers as my preferred choice to deflect my pain. I began to accept people more as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment was born out of forgiveness.
A WORLD OF PROJECTION
Ever noticed the laughter when you get the illusion sifting through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. Basically it is all a projection and only as real as I believe it to be...until I don't.
Waking up I learned to open myself to new worlds and different points of view and that I can change my world and myself by reassessing and redefining who I am and what I really stand for ... or not.
One of my teachers teacher once told me:"Letting go of our suffering is the hardest work we will ever do. It is also the most fruitful. To heal means to meet ourselves in a new way -- in the newness of each moment where all is possible and nothing is limited to the old."
My Confession
To be honest... I used to be a knowledge junkie and immersed myself in reading countless self-help or self improvement books and really thought I would know something of value. In this I had become a real ‘know it all’. It was not until Osho hit me exposing the trap of identifying myself with borrowed knowledge gained from books. I cam etc understand that unless I can speak from my own authentic experience I was only regurgitating bored knowledge…and how authentic is this? Becoming more authentic was a journey of letting go much of my identification with knowledge that had not been mine in the first place.
What followed was a time where much learning took place and I was becoming increasingly fine with not needing to know all the answers... but felt comfortable coming from a place of wonder and curiosity towards life...to be willing to be perpetually astounded how life works and how the path takes me to where I am meant to be…but only always.
To accept that unconditionally…now at times that can be a little more of a challenge.
The Magic NOT KNOWING
You may have felt the distress of not knowing how to make changes in your live. For example, you may know you’re in the wrong job or relationship but not know what the right job or partner may be. You may want to be more loving but not know how to unlock your heart. You may want a new relationship but not know how to meet someone new.
This part of the journey is known to be a tricky one where people think they are getting confused and than it hits again...until a deep insight occurs.
To be continued