Robert,
Your mom asked me if I would write you something about my perspective on how you turned out the way you have so far in your life. I wish I could say that it is for one reason or another specifically, but I cannot. I can only speculate on what contributes to one’s destiny. I do know this “it is the people you meet and your observation of those people and the choices you make that mold you as a person over time.”
Yes, you were a premature child with many disadvantages from the beginning, your need to be on prolonged oxygen and have feeding tubes was a lot for a little guy to handle, but many premature children grow up to be wonderful and successful adults, like your aunt Susan.
Yes, you had a father that has never accepted any responsibility for anything in his life. He is a horrible example of a man, a parent, an adult and a human in general. You always thought your dad was “so cool” with all his big talk of being a gangster, and strong-arming people (your dad said once that his dad was like that too, and he hated him for it). That is a strong genetic component that likely contributed to the you that you are today. A lot of kids look up to their parents growing up, but you failed to realize how hard your mom worked to try to give you kids a normal life and how your father sabotaged those efforts and treated your mother horribly (hitting, cheating on and neglecting your wife like she doesn’t matter is not acceptable behavior) and how he really let you kids suffer because he couldn’t grow up. His irresponsibility in taking care of his family and rising to the task of growing up and being a responsible adult impacted you kids just as your life choices have affected your own kids. That is a tradition you should want not to pass down to your own kids. It is a poor choice and again I say it comes down to your choice. Your own children may have an opinion of you at this point in their lives as well, but whatever that opinion, you still have time to make it better.
Yes, you had parents that divorced when you were a child, but again there are plenty of people that have experienced this in childhood that didn’t make the choices you did. Your mother and I come from parents that divorced, we didn’t choose to go the route you did in life. Again choice.
Yes, you experienced abuse (mental, physical) as a child at the hands of some adults in your life and maybe some kids as well. Your step-dad Danny again was a horrible example of a man, a step-parent, adult and a human. He will have to a tone to a higher power some day for the way he treated you kids, but that is not for us to judge. I didn’t know of this experience until your brother Joseph told me about the nightmare Danny put you kid through, especially you, when he came to live with me years after you did. I know that this man thought it was alright to hurt you kids and he was so wrong. I only wish one of you would have let me know when you were going through all of this so I could have helped you kids, but that is in the past and you kids didn’t for fear or whatever. But know that your own kids may be experiencing something similar and you are not being there for them now.
You were provided opportunity in your younger years to see and be in a more normal and positive environment. You were not interested in it at that time. I remember you excelling in your school grades while you lived here with me as a young teenager. I know it was because we took the time to study and try to learn and you proved not only to me, but to yourself I hoped, that you could learn, and retain information to make some really good grades. That you had a lot of potential. I hoped this would help you see that you can do anything you put your mind to and really want, but again, you choose to sabotage the situation and lie and that caused a huge problem for many years between me and your mother. I tried to help you and you head butted me in the face and called me a “punta” and tried to spit in my face. You left with your dad and left us with a horrible situation. I can’t help but think if you would have stuck it out with me, you would have had a whole different more positive path in your life, but who knows? Maybe not. Again, it came down to your choice to do what you did. All we (me, your mom and Chris) wanted to do was help you and you choose to mess that up.
An internet search will take you to several theories. Here is one that explains some of the theories about that question.
Nature vs. Nurture Debate
The nature vs. nurture debate is the scientific, cultural, and philosophical debate about whether human culture, behavior, and personality are caused primarily by nature or nurture. Nature is often defined in this debate as genetic or hormone-based behaviors, while nurture is most commonly defined as environment and experience.
History of the Nature vs. Nurture Debate
The nature vs. nurture debate is an ongoing one. The modern debate often centers around the effect genes have on human personalities as opposed to the influences that early environment and development might have. As cultural mores have changed, so have popular understandings of this debate. In the 1960s, for example, psychologists—and pop culture in general—were heavily influenced by the theories of behaviorism. This theory led to the widespread belief that human personality is primarily influenced by experience and training. It was during this time that researcher John Money attempted to demonstrate that gender was a product of early conditioning by raising a boy, whose circumcision was botched, as a girl. His experiment seemed successful in the beginning but ultimately was a failure.
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In recent years, the nature side of the debate has gained more attention, with headlines trumpeting newly discovered genes for virtually every behavior. Evolutionary psychology and sociobiology are two branches of science that attempt to demonstrate the evolutionary roots of human behavior. Books authored by scientists in these fields are extremely popular. However, critics still emphasize the important role of early childhood environment, development, and cultural influences, and many have argued that sociobiology and evolutionary psychology are deterministic pseudosciences.
How Nature Affects Mental Health
While nature, or genetics, has been proven to be an important factor in the development of some mental health conditions, such as schizophrenia, bipolar, and major depression, the development of mental illness is not entirely genetic. Nature, or genetics, has been proven to be an important factor in the development of some mental health conditions, such as schizophrenia, bipolar, and major depression: Bipolar, for example, is four to six times more likely to develop when there is a family history of the condition. However, although the importance of genetic factors cannot be denied, the development of mental illness is not entirely genetic. Take identical twins, for example: They share genes, yet if one twin develops schizophrenia, the other twin only has a 50% chance of also developing the condition. This shows that nature, while it plays an important part, is not the only contributing factor.
Another area where researchers may place more emphasis on nature than on nurture is that of addictions. Studies show that alcohol addiction, for example, can recur in families and that certain genes may have an influence over the way alcohol tastes and the way it affects the body.
How Nurture Affects Mental Health
Certain genetic factors may create a predisposition for a particular illness, but the probability that a person develops that illness depends in part on environment (nurture). When a genetic variant indicates the possibility of development of a mental illness, this information can be used to direct positive (nurturing) behavior in such a way that the condition may not develop or may develop with less severity.
James Fallon, a neuroscientist who discovered that he had the brain of a psychopath, has stated that he believes growing up in a nurturing and loving environment helped him to become a successful adult and may have been effective at preventing him from fully developing traits of psychopathy. Similarly, the basis for addiction is not thought to be entirely genetic by most researchers. Environmental aspects, such as the habits of parents, friends, or a partner, might also be significant factors contributing to the development of an addiction. A genetic predisposition to alcohol addiction may be far more significant if one is routinely exposed to binge drinking or other forms of alcohol abuse and comes to view this as normal alcohol use.
Researchers at the University of Liverpool recently found that while a family history of mental health conditions was the second strongest predictor of mental illness, the strongest predictor was in fact life events and experiences, such as childhood bullying, abuse, or other trauma, supporting the idea of nurture’s significant role in the development of mental health issues.
Twin Studies
Several studies done on twins separated shortly after birth reveal that genetics do play a significant role in the development of certain personality characteristics, sexual orientation, and religiosity. The bond between identical twins was also suggested to be genetic by these studies, as 80% of identical twins reported that they felt closer to their twin than they did to their closest friends, despite having just met their twin. One study also suggested that genetics play a significant role in the development of personality: Environment had little effect on personality when twins were raised together, though it did have an effect when they were raised apart.
Nature x Nurture
Many scientists eschew the debate by emphasizing “nature x nurture.” In this schema, nature and nurture are inseparable. Some genes, for example, cannot be activated without certain environmental inputs. The development of vision is a prime example of this. People cannot develop normal sight without exposure to visual stimuli. Similarly, some environmental inputs may be undermined by some genes. For example, some lifelong smokers may never experience smoking-related illnesses, and this may be due at least in part to their genes. Environmental toxins may alter the expression of some genes, and genes for many behaviors presumed to have a genetic basis have not been discovered. Developmental systems theory, among other theories, presents an alternative to this debate that does not require scientists to advocate either for nature or nurture.
References:
- Agin, D. P. (2010). More than genes: What science can tell us about toxic chemicals, development, and the risk to our children. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
- Alcoholism Nature vs. Nurture. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.dualdiagnosis.org/alcohol-addiction/nature-vs-nurture.
- Facts about Bipolar Disorder. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://adamhscc.org/en-US/facts-bipolar.asp.
- Iliades, C. (2013, February 7). Mental Illness May Be In Your Genes. Retrieved from http://www.everydayhealth.com/depression/mental-iillness-may-be-in-your-genes-1751.aspx.
- Lewis, T. (2014, August 11). Twins Separated at Birth Reveal Staggering Influence of Genetics. Retrieved from http://www.livescience.com/47288-twin-study-importance-of-genetics.html.
- Ohikuare, J. (2014, January 21). Life as a Nonviolent Psychopath. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/01/life-as-a-nonviolent-psychopath/282271.
- Moore, D. S. (2003). The dependent gene: The fallacy of nature vs. nurture. New York, NY: Henry Holt.
- Putt, G. (2013, October 20). Nurture Over Nature: Mental Illness and Traumatic Life Events. Retrieved from http://www.decodedscience.com/nurture-nature-mental-illness-traumatic-life-events/3836.
Last Updated: 08-12-2015
So, you can see, this debate has been ongoing for a long time. You may be able to look up some of these references to help you understand further, if you really want to know, do your homework and research it. Maybe you will find your thing is psychology, genealogy, or theory.
I do know the little boy that came to spend a summer with me as a child is not the same child that lied to his family about me as a teenager and the adult you see in the mirror today. I hope you find what you are looking for and equally important I hope you realize how your behavior and choices have affected your own family and children so you can make a choice to leave them with a better opportunity for a better destiny. You are still young and have time to make a difference in your life. One foot in front of the other in the right direction, that is what it takes. There is no “easy” path, just choose the good one. How will you know? Because it takes real work and dedication to want to be a better person. Look in your kids faces and make the most important promise to do better, then do it.
I love you,
Aunt Debbie.