Hello friends.
I found this truthful article about all the neighbours living near us.
Things my neighbours do that aren’t annoying enough to complain about but are still really annoying.
Talking.
Talking in their garden.
Talking in their garden about the history of the TV license for like three hours.
Walking up their stairs. All the time. Whatever they’re constantly leaving in their bedroom, they need to keep downstairs.
Parking their car outside my house, even though there’s space outside theirs. Why?
Whistling cheerfully in the street.
Being unable to eat in their garden, which they do at the merest hint of sunlight, without loudly hitting cutlery against crockery. I’d be unsurprised if they were starting an avant-garde percussion group (albeit one with no sense of rhythm).
Having braying friends around every weekend. Saying ‘welcome to my humble abode’ every time.
Coughing.
Sneezing.
Laughing.
Playing the same song, a song I don’t recognise, on an electric keyboard at unpredictable times of the day.
Causing an argument between my wife and me when I closed our lounge window (with a rude slam, supposedly) because I was sick of listening to their garden conversation about the TV license.
Splashing liquid around.
Watching the final episode of House of Cards at a volume sufficient to spoil important plot points.
Laughing without conviction when I made a quip about the last neighbours being so quiet that we often worried they’d died.
Owning a SMART car.
Their smug faces. And they look under 30.
Having a sex life.
Frequently using the word ‘actually’ when talking in the garden.
Being insufficiently grateful when my wife gifted them a cheap bottle of wine when they moved in.
Looking at my front garden when explaining about how important it is to keep the front of the house looking nice.
Smiling. Constantly.
Not owning any attractive, silent pets.
Possessing nasal voices.
Causing my wife to think I’m unreasonable.
Seemingly not having jobs. I bet the guy tells people he’s a writer because the Guardian once republished his blog on the history of the TV license or something.
Not once saying my kids are cute.
Not complaining to the other neighbours about other neighbours’ dog barking.
Being completely unaware of how annoying they are.
Forcing me to write this piece, instead of something more clickworthy, thus preventing the Guardian republishing the other, better piece, I’d have written if the new neighbours had never moved in. A piece about self-improvement and Trump and Brexit and mansplaining, I don’t know.
original article at https://medium.com/slackjaw/things-my-neighbours-do-that-arent-annoying-enough-to-complain-about-but-are-still-really-annoying-2b81de613b14