In the news I keep seeing articles about Weinstein, sexual harassment, and men disrespecting women. I also see articles from the other side where women are disrespecting men (false charges of rape and abuse do happen). I'm going to offer my opinions on the matter and give some insight into how I think about relationships.
All relationships are based on mutual respect
Mutual respect is the basis for all relationships. These relationships can be man+woman, man+man, woman+woman or even human+non-human. The point is that all relationships in nature which are healthy require mutual respect. This mutual respect is the minimum requirement for any friendship.
What is mutual respect?
A quick definition for respect is to say that Alice and Bob each must care about what the other thinks and feels. They care about the thoughts and feelings of the other because they value the other enough to be concerned about the internal mental (or and physical) status of the other. So mutual respect can be as simple as Bob caring how Alice feels or about what she is thinking in any particular moment or over the duration of the friendship. In other words, they are only a friend if they value how you think and feel, and by this measure you can know what your true position is.
What is friendship?
I'm not someone who can define what friendship is for everyone but in the terse and narrow definition, it is merely an agreement. A friend could be defined as another entity which agrees to respect you as an entity. This respect could be as simple as this other entity cares about your state of mind (your emotional state), and your physical health. If an entity calls itself your friend but does not care about your internal feelings or physical health then this entity will not care about your suffering and is dangerous. In my opinion it is impossible for any entity to be a friend yet not care about your mental and or physical wellbeing.
The minimum agreement between friends is an agreement to respect the thoughts and feelings of the other. This friendship could be between man and dog, as the man agrees to care for the dog, respond to the dog emotionally, and in essence befriend the dog. This can also be between man and man, as the same principles apply no matter what the gender, or species. In order for it to be a friendship the respect agreement must never be violated.
Communication is key
What makes or breaks a friendship is the ability of both parties to communicate. The members of the friendship have to be able to communicate how a certain behavior of the other is making them feel. The better that the communication is, the better each side can adapt if there is the mutual respect component.
What goes wrong in sexual harassment?
If a man sexually harasses a woman, the second word "harassment" in my opinion is what I'll examine specifically. It is possible for any man or woman to have a rude moment or say the wrong thing to the wrong person, but harassment is continuous over time even after the person has declined interest, or expressed disinterest. Sexual harassment is more like stalking, where the person doing the stalking does not respect the personal boundaries of the other person. This brings us back to respect because if there were respect then this would mean the harasser would have to obey the wishes of the person whose emotions and thoughts are to be respected.
So the sexual harasser does not respect the other person or think of the other person as worthy of respect. The sexual harasser isn't trying to continuously adapt their behavior in respect to the feedback they receive from the other person. They simply do not respect the other person for whatever reason when making their decisions and do not care about how their actions are affecting the other person. This in my opinion is not the behavior of a friend and is the behavior of a dangerous person.
For fairness, if a woman falsely accuses a man of sexual harassment then she is not a person who is showing mutual respect and in my opinion is just as dangerous as the sexual harasser. If an innocent man has his life ruined, his reputation destroyed, he can never truly recover from that in most cases. To destroy another person based on a lie is just as psychologically damaging as to rape a person in my opinion.
Conclusion
- All healthy relationships are based on respect.
- All friendships are based on the "respect agreement" concept.
- Any entity which violates the "respect agreement" is no friend.
- Sexual harassment violates the "respect agreement".
- False accusation also violates the "respect agreement".
In nature we have to give respect in order to hope we can receive it. It's for this reason that one of the popular ways of building respect is to make the first step toward respect by giving it to the person or entity which you wish to receive respect back from. If you do not receive that respect back then that entity is dangerous and a different strategy has to be taken in dealing with such an entity.