Why did I leave my home country?

I get asked this question especially when the person I talk to has recently visited my beautiful hometown of Krakow. Poland is a beautiful country with a strong culture of hospitality, amazing architecture, varied landscapes and great food to name but a few advantages. That said, all places seem amazing when one visits them for a much needed holiday break. It is only when you live and work somewhere permanently that you get to find out about its problems.

When people discuss immigration you often hear the term 'economic migrant' to describe people leaving less wealthy countries for the ones better off. I was born in Poland and moved to the United Kingdom in 2005 so I fit this category but I do not identify with the label because I left Poland for a number of reasons related to the culture and not the economy.

I felt and still feel that Polish culture isn't welcoming and accepting of who I am. As a result, I can not live there and be myself without experiencing different forms of prejudice, social exclusion and harassment in everyday life. I would also be at an increased risk of violence if I lived there, regardless of my income.

Religion

Poland is around 90% Catholic and Christian values are considered by many crucial to Polish identity. Many people feel that government needs to reflect these values. Even if in theory Church and state are separate in Poland, the popular interpretation of religion informs almost everything, from interpersonal relationships to policymaking.

I began exploring philosophy and world religions when I was 11 years old. I found Taoism much more in tune with my personality and I refused going to church or attending religious education. It was considered a radical move by the majority of my peers, not to mention adults. I felt socially isolated because of it.

For my ultra Christian family, I was a traitor and a lost soul. My uncle told me that if I am not Christian I am not truly Polish. I consider religion a personal and somewhat intimate matter. I was getting tired of feeling like I have to explain myself. These kinds of statements made me question my identity. I didn't agree with my uncle's doctrine but I began realizing that as long as I live in a country where so many people feel like he does, it may as well be true.

Nationalism

My grandparents were involved in Polish opposition during WWII and my Mum was part of Solidarnosc movement during the communist era. While my peers were watching cartoons and playing computer games, I was brought up watching national television, especially documentaries and films about war. Politics were a regular subject at the dinner table. My childhood was overshadowed by constant fear of 'the inevitable WWIII and Russian invasion'. The fear of losing independence and being annihilated is very much alive and there are good reasons for it.

What I found harder to cope with is Polish history. I think that for many people in the USA, UK and other wealthy nations nationalism is all about singing praises of your countries victories and its achievements. In Poland, its more about mourning the losses and recounting all the times Poland was invaded, exploited and stabbed in the back by nations claiming to be our friend and allies. Growing up and living with this is incredibly depressing.

Racism

Racist views are very common in Poland. My grandad who fought the Nazis was at the same time anti-Semitic and openly racist against people of colour. I always felt deeply ashamed of that. When you grow up surrounded by racism you inevitably take some of it on board. When I lived in Poland I considered myself anti-fascist and anti-racist and yet I would make stupid racial jokes and think nothing of it.

Racism takes on a different flavour and shape in different places. In my opinion, the only way you can challenge your own racism is by moving abroad and experiencing other cultures first hand. Being part of a new community means you notice your own cultural hang-ups and can correct them. People who never left their home often have no way of recognising these kinds of patterns for what they are, so they go unchallenged. I wanted to experience the world and make up my own mind.

Sexism

You may find women in Poland who claim that there is no sexism or more specifically misogyny in Poland. I wholeheartedly disagree based on personal experience and prevailing politics. The Polish government continues to make attempts at restricting abortion right but sexism isn't just felt in the political arena.

Going out to clubs often meant that I had to endure uninvited and unwanted advances of often older, smelly and drunk men who wouldn't take no for an answer. Stories of sexual exploitation and harassment were a norm in my social environment.

My father and grandfather were both women haters firmly believing in male supremacy. To give an example, my grandad believed that feminine sanitary products are waste of money and that I should wear an old rag in my pants instead. My dad believed that menstruating women should wear a red ribbon on the night out, to warn the males of their 'undesirable condition'. He also believed that women are naturally stupid and weak. This is a sentiment expressed by a Polish politician as recently as 2017. I was never actively encouraged to have a career and most of the comments were all about making myself attractive to men and being a good housewife.

I had many male friends when I was growing up but I was treated differently. I often ended up the only 'female' (more on that later) in the group. Men would refuse to shake my hand because I wasn't male. When my friends started talking about their sex life and I shared some personal information it often caused strange reactions as if people of genders other than male do not have sex or shouldn't mention it. There were definite double standards for most things. Looking back at it, my male friends felt really uncomfortable with me acting and being too much like them.

Homophobia and transphobia

Homophobic and transphobic behaviours go hand in hand with religious beliefs of many Poles and Poland is one of the worst countries for gay rights in the EU. Many people in Poland believe that it is OK to be gay as long as you keep it in the closet. This was a huge issue for me.

I and my LGBT friends had to fear violence regularly. I remember when someone put explosives in the local gay club, fortunately, no one was harmed but there were scorch marks left on the doors for weeks to come, not to mention the emotional impact on the community. The safest club was located in a basement, you had to know which buzzer to press to get in and that information was spread only through word of mouth. These precautions were necessary to ensure safety.

It isn't just gay people who get harassed. Some of my heavy metal friends were beaten up for 'looking gay'. One of them was pinned down by a group of skinheads who tried to force him to perform oral sex for them, simply because he had long hair. This kind of stuff was a norm back then and I doubt it is any different now. No one reports such assaults to the police because most likely they will do nothing about it. In certain areas, any association with the police causes more troubles than its worth. The violence is only a part of the problem.

I identified as male since early childhood but I was assigned female gender at birth and I consider myself a third gender. As I entered puberty I realised that I feel attracted to all genders. I was very open about my identity and sexuality. Others recognised me as being different. A lot of the sexism I experienced came from the fact that I was very 'male' in my behaviour. Often when I found myself in all-male company people would 'forget my gender' and address me as a male. I loved it. Most often they would get confused and try to correct themselves.

When my male friends would gossip to me about their girlfriends they would say things like 'you know but she is a girl'. I remember responding that I wouldn't do what this girl did and my friend said, yes but you aren't really a girl, you are something else. As sexist as that was I felt validated because it reflected a deeper truth about my identity.

I found that keeping long-term relationships with non-LGBT people wasn't possible. I was part of the social circle with my male friends but only to a point. I was never invited to go out for a night out with them like other (male) friends did. I guess my sexuality was confusing to them and made them feel uncomfortable. I just couldn't cope with being excluded because of it.

I will never return

When issues of immigration, and Brexit specifically, are discussed you often hear people say that EU citizens can just 'go back home'. The problem with this assumption is not just that for many immigrants their country of residence is their home. Contrary to the popular belief, people don't leave their families, friends and social circles without a good reason. Moving to a different country might be exciting but ultimately for most immigrants, it is not a matter of 'going on an adventure'. It is a well thought through, serious decision.

When I left Poland I knew I am never going to return. Brexit doesn't change my reasons for leaving. Poland is not my home, it hasn't been for all of my adulthood. If the UK can not be my home then I simply do not have one.

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Image credits:
pixabay.com

https://pixabay.com/en/european-union-europe-travel-poland-1204030/
https://pixabay.com/en/cross-christ-faith-god-jesus-2713356/
https://pixabay.com/en/poland-country-europe-flag-borders-1758843/

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