Many people do not understand the effects that Post Traumatic Stress can have on someone or what it is like to live with it. Many veterans and police officers deal with this problem on a daily basis because of the things that they have been exposed to, but PTSD isn't reserved for just military or law enforcement. Anyone that experiences a traumatic event can have symptoms of it. I wrote the follow paper about PTSD a few years ago when I first started school. I was in a dark place when I wrote it, but things have gotten better since writing it and I think that things will continue to get better for me since I have found constructive ways to manage it, through photography, film and even writing. If you are dealing with PTSD, just know that you are not alone and that there are a lot of us going through similar trials as you, you just need to reach out. If you know someone with PTSD, hopefully this sheds some light on what they may be going through and gives you an idea on how you can support them.
Post-Traumatic Stress is a curse upon those that are unfortunate to have been through terrible experiences, a curse that, no matter how many pills you are prescribed or group therapy sessions you sit through, you will have with you for the rest of your time.
PTSD is a constant voice in your head telling you that you are no good. You used to be a confident and happy person, but now you are just a shell of your former self. You may look the same on the outside, but on the inside, you are in constant torment. You wear the mask of happiness around other people, but you know it is just a façade, a smokescreen that doesn't reveal your true feelings. Silence can be deafening, because it allows your mind to wander into the darkest areas. So to quiet the silence, you fill the air with white noise or music.
PTSD is isolation from the "normal" world. You are always hiding in the safety of your own home not wanting to put yourself in situations where you don't have control. This isolation and alienation only makes everything worse. When you do go out to try and feel like a normal person, you can't sit with your back to the exit and you size up everyone in the area, constantly scanning for potential threats. You envision worst case scenarios and then your mind wanders to what you would do if someone presented a gun or a knife and tried to take your life. Before you know it, you are looking at the guy at the table across from you, and you imagine he is the one that pulls a knife on you and tries to end you. He comes at you swinging the knife in your direction. Sure, you may get stabbed a couple times, but you are going to kill him before he can kill you. You imagine catching his arm and snapping the bone, eventually bringing the knife back to his face. You slit his throat with the knife or sink the knife deep into his eye socket. The choice is yours; whatever it takes to survive. You snap back to reality as the waitress asks what you will be drinking with your meal. By the time she comes back with your drink, you have "killed" all the threats in the room. You feel like a functioning psychopath. The anxiety of being in a constant heightened state of awareness is exhausting, so you retreat back to the safety of your home.
PTSD is not being able to sleep at night because when you close your eyes, you are back in the places that caused all this anguish, reliving every moment. With your eyes closed, it gives your mind free reign to do what it wants and replay horrible scenes over and over. Once you do fall asleep, any sound you hear wakes you up and gets your heart racing, making it impossible to fall back asleep any time soon.
PTSD is unexplainable explosive anger. Every little thing sets you off. You try your best not to express that anger, but as you hold it in, it just reminds you how messed up you are. Your shrink tells you that the anger stems from needing explosive anger to make it through the tough situations you have been exposed to. If that were true, then what does your son spilling his cereal have to do with what you have been through?
PTSD is constant feelings of inadequacy that fuel your thoughts. Nothing physically is wrong with you, so why are you so weak? You made it home with all your body parts. Stop whining about everything and suck it up and drive on, but you aren't able to without the voices in your head telling you that you don't deserve to be here.
PTSD is feeling that everyone would be better off without you. Maybe then, they won't be disappointed in you. You feel that if you were to have died during battle that you would be remembered as a hero, but instead you are here and your family has to walk on eggshells. Maybe if you end your life, you won't let anyone else down. So you start thinking about how you will take your own life. You have to make sure that if you do it, that you keep it clean. You don't want to make your family have to find you with a hole in your face and have your wife scrub your brains off of the bathroom wall. Plus, you want to make sure that you have an open casket funeral. You don't want to swerve into oncoming traffic because you don't want to hurt any innocent people just because your brain is so broken. What good would killing yourself do? All it would be is a huge let down for your family, but it would be the last time you would let them down.
PTSD is having a wife that worries when she doesn't hear from you every couple hours. It's not that she doesn't trust you and thinks that you are off with someone else. She just worries that today was the day that you took your life and won't be coming home to her.
PTSD is not being able to type these words without being overcome with emotion. Good luck trying to read this stuff out loud. If you say these words out loud, then they become fact and everyone will know your skeletons, but the experts say that you need to vocalize your thoughts so you can heal.
PTSD is being able to relate to your brothers and sisters that have been through similar situations as you. It is about not giving up and becoming one of the 22 veterans that take their lives every day. It is about being there for your family and being a beacon of hope for someone that is going through the same thing you are. PTSD is a badge of perseverance.