“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.”
― Sylvia Plath
Okay, I am not getting married here. I just want to say that I feel like I am losing my friends when they are in romantic relationships or when they get married. This strange and uncomfortable feeling is seldom articulated because it just sounds selfish, after all, I should be happy for my friends right? For my few remaining friends who know me deeply well. For my few remaining friends I forged throughout my life. I should be happy that they've finally found happiness.
But this is not what I am truly feeling at this moment.
It is not even about I want what they have or like I am jealous that they are getting married. It is more about losing them in the process because you know, things just become different. With childrearing, parenthood, and other adult responsibilities that come with marriage, the reality is that it would be hard to spend time with them. The reality is that it is not going to be the same anymore. I guess change is harder to deal with it especially if it is happening to someone else.
Why am I feeling this way? I've deactivated my FB feed so I don't know anymore what is happening in my friends' lives - based on what they post on social media. A close friend of mine told me that one of our friends is engaged. And here I am having a mixed feeling about it. I mean, I should be glad that he finally found someone he truly loves. Then suddenly, strangely, I have this memory flashback of all our times spent together. And that time when he recently came back to our country and came down to this beach town to visit me and dive together. I just thought, what are the chances of this happening again? It is not every day anymore that we get to hang out and laugh our hearts out. I am not even friends with his partner or don't even know her at all. So I know, it is not going to be the same anymore.
Most of my friends are straight men and gays. I know right, all late 30-something single women must have gay friends. That must be the stereotype now. Anyway, I think most of the platonic male-female friendships are the most affected when one gets married. In my experience, it is not easy to stay friends or keep things the way it used to be when one gets married. Most of the time, the girlfriend or wife is very insecure and jealous and doesn't want anything to do with me. Whenever I try to get a hold of my friend, it feels like I am a homewrecker or something. I do not want to be the reason for their fights or worse, breakup. Sure, it would be nice if I can be friends with the couple but you know that is a very rare case in my situation. Always the third-wheeler.
I do miss them a lot. Because I don't have that many friends I can be myself with, and these days, it just takes too much effort to go out and start new relationships. It is never easy especially as one gets older. I just end up feeling disappointed probably because they couldn't measure up to my friends. And if I lower my standards and expectations, I would end up getting disappointed too. It is way even harder to find "my people" here on this island. The environment is a big factor. So, I have always stuck with a handful of friends who know me for life. Those I have something in common with. But at some point, they will change, follow the "normal pattern of life", and move on.
For someone who has lived by the rule "I can live with just friends for the rest of my life" because in the end, they are all that I need and friendship is what makes me truly happy. But what if my friends don't live by that rule? Because they, too, like the rest of everyone, need to find their better halves to spend the rest of their lives with. And live their lives by default.
The news of my friend getting married, in a way, deeply saddened me. I am just being honest with my feelings. And maybe if things will change, maybe that's all there is to it. I just have to be thankful for that certain period of time we've become friends. And let go.
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