Here's a mish mash of thoughts since last night. Including all the things that I thought I have, don't have, and probably will never have.
I always find myself in this pointless overthinking and it must be because I lack something in this life. That you know, that feeling that makes your life go around but can also break you into a million pieces. Errr, too complicated, erase it. This thought must be the result of uncertainty because the last time I checked, we are still in the middle of a crazy pandemic. So, I don't want to beat myself up or bang my head against the brick wall because I know, I am not alone in this battle.
I know I shouldn't feel this way today because I woke up to sunshine rays and a lively kitty nagging me for food. I started the day by drinking coffee and taking my cat outside - on a leash of course. I have all those little things to be grateful for. But for some unknown reason, there's still this looming emptiness. I can't seem to appreciate this day. I mean I have everything that I want or so it seems. But I know this feeling is temporary. Perhaps tomorrow I'll learn to make the most of a beautiful day.
I mean what else do I have here, ahh dirty dishes. And what's life without it. As much as I hate this chore, I admit that nothing is more relaxing than just being in one with the running water and the dirty plates. It just takes you into the present moment. Ahhh, just me romanticizing the comforts of domesticity. I mean you know, the rhythm of life goes on.
And then suddenly, there's the dream of a beach house with a really nice kitchen. Then going out for a walk along the shore while watching the sunset. Cool breeze, sandy feet, crashing waves, and all. But, with the current state of the world right now and a deadly pandemic sweeping off the planet, a dream like this will just be a dream.
And then there's blogging. How else do I cope with the overabundance with time? I don't and can't travel right now but my racing thoughts are enough to fill up the blank screen. It just makes it seem like I am doing something fulfilling and not wasting the day.
And what's life without love? Ahh, it feels utterly meaningless no matter how hard you try to put some sense into existence. This is just me being human today. I confided in a close friend of mine, like I always do, about my strange feelings. And you know what he told me, "You're just a human being with genitals living alone and needing another human being with genitals." I wanted to laugh about that thought for a moment. But it is true, we are all human beings here, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we are strong and capable enough to make it on our own, we always always need, another human being to share great moments with. You can even ask that human being to do the dishes for you.
I don't want to force this idea into me again because the last time I tried, it was a disaster. So, it'd be better to just enjoy the normal course of things, the good days, and even the bad, and just be ready to open up my heart again when things fall magically into place. I don't know when but that's the beauty of it all I guess. Life, surprise me.
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