I know it is easier said than done. The only thing I am thankful for these days is that I'm not in a relationship because that might even add to my daily stress. A difficult situation should not be something new to me anymore. I've already accepted the fact that a comfortable life seems elusive and that uncertainty has always been and will always be my friend. That's just the price of living the life according to your own terms instead of just following the pattern.
I wish I could just be beach bumming or chasing sunsets but the reality is that I am still trying to make sense of my life. Perhaps that's just my existential crisis. I want to make things work according to plan and never give in to boredom and purposelessness. Because I am a dreamer. I want to make the most out of my life.
I've lived a cold Darwinian life. It is really hard to care. It's what this kind of life is going to do to you. I don't want to force my friends or anyone to call me or talk to me because that would be too needy. Society judges those who feel weak. Why the fuck should I remind anyone of my existence? Knowing how much people don't care makes it too easy for me not to give a fuck about their lives. So spare me the trouble of caring. I now feel selfishly free. Sometimes it makes my life a whole lot easier this way.
To stay put problem or stress-free would be highly impossible especially with all the things that I am trying to do at the moment. I want my shelter problem out of the way, at least, and sometimes I wish I don't have to worry about this. I just want to live in a place with everything that I need quite accessible. I don't want to be at someone else's mercy as well. I want to be able to achieve my goal on my own and be of help to those who need me. Somehow I still want to help others because this is a proven way to be happier in life. And I envy those who do not have to worry about basic things but then I still feel grateful for the only things that I got - courage and strength. I know some people out there who already have everything yet they still find their lives meaningless and empty.
I look back and remember everything that I have accomplished and how I remained calm amidst chaos and extreme stress. I know everything will be alright again and I don't want to worry too much about the future. It comes soon enough, right? I don't want to let go and I want to let go at the same time. I don't have time to feel sad or mope around, but still, it's inevitable.
Here's a cool song if you feel the same.
