"Why do you push everyone away?" a friend asked. "How is it possible?". "I don't know," I answered. Deep down, I know the answer. Though I cannot explain in simpler terms how this life has been possible. But I've lived. I've lived long enough to get used to the state of my being. Simple is a bad word. To say that I'm complex is an understatement. Nevertheless, I love myself. I love myself too much that I have probably become too narcissistic. But I know I'm not alone out there. We are all too self-absorbed. The only person that interests you the most is YOU.
With all the anti-fragile I portray, there are some inner demons lurking and dying to be unleashed. My fears and deep insecurities. I'm terrified. I'm terrified to make new human connections or anything deep these days. But then I'm also dying to be vulnerable. I want to be myself without judgment and labels.
My selfishness is justified. Perhaps my weirdness is due to deprivation of adequate attention and early abandonment. Perhaps this is all due to the criticisms I had constantly received in my early years. This is hard to let go and it's killing me now. I've tried. The more personal or romantic relationships I've experienced, the more my mind remains on high alert for conflict and disappointment.
Due to my overall mistrust of humanity over the years, I've become too attached to other objects of affection. I feel like my friends have moved on with their lives and I am still trapped in the same era. It is hard to let the new ones in for I constantly fear their rejection and criticisms. I fear that they will put my vanity and self-esteem at risk. I fear of getting close because I've been through a lot of troubled relationships in the past. I put the jolly mask all the time because I don't want to look like a typical fragile. I make sure that the new people will rarely get the chance to see who I am beneath my professional or social identity. But beneath this free-spirit mask is a very fragile being. I try so hard to remain in control so nobody has the power to make me unhappy. Nobody has the power to touch my deepest insecurities. But it is now getting harder to suppress my feelings. I run back to my dome of safety to just cry and let it all out. I walk alone and distance myself from everyone to regain autonomy. When I feel like I'm becoming fragile again, I will immediately do something else on my own. Like do some physical activity, go somewhere far, escape my situation or anything that will distract me from anything emotional. This way I can replenish my power. But in the end, I realized that this psycho cycle is just doing me more harm than good.
I don't want to talk about these things to new people in my life. A hard shell has been formed and it is hard to trust now. They say that I have to love and accept myself. But sometimes, I just want to be weak. To express my real feelings to someone without a care or need for approval. I just want to let go.
There are times I want to go back to my self-destructive ways like drugs and drinking but even those things are luxury. I can live with just sitting alone, facing my loneliness and making a map around it. Honestly, it does feel good. I feel like there's something devilishly seductive about being sad, somehow it makes me feel good too. And no, I don't need attention. Or maybe I do. There's just a certain kind of strength in this aloneness. No wonder melancholy is addicting. I like to continuously jot down my thoughts and the varying degrees of my feelings. So yesterday I was happy and grateful but today I feel sad. I'm fine with my emotions. I'm fine with everything. I can forgive myself. At least, I don't stop convincing myself that I'm alright.
A part of me wishes that my close friends are not yet married or are not too far away from me, so I can grab one of them and have a drink. Drink and puke. Like when you take that psychedelic Ayahuasca and you throw up after 2 shots of the slimy liquid. The Shaman says it's called cleansing. Now your friend takes all your puke on his lap and says you're cleansed. You need friends like that to survive this life. I wish they haven't changed or I wish I have changed. I just want to be vulnerable because I don't think it's wrong. My chest is exploding. It's good to be alone when you have someone to tell that it is fine to be alone. It is good to hate everyone when you have someone who agrees with you. Someone you can tell your darkest and dirtiest thoughts and how sometimes you just want to murder people. Someone you can trust with your diabolicalness.