This spring I felt very lonely. It may have been because of the weather or it must have been something inside me that the weather awoke. Nonetheless, everything that happened in the period made me correlate it with my own probability of being completely alone. Alone as in thoughts and feelings, not in friends or family, as the people in my the stories that will follow.
Although, they too kinda disappointed me lately, which made me wish for an escape, for a new beginning in a place far away.
But other than that, another event sparked strange thoughts in my mind. It developed like this:
➊ One day I saw many garbage bags gathered in front of the building’s entrance. A relatively old lady was searching for stuff in them. An old man from above my apartment started to shout at her, so hard that it startled me. He was saying things like “Crazy old hag”, “Leave them alone, you hag”, “Get away from here, you filthy woman”. Crazy right ?
It was like living in a dystopian novel where people have forgotten their humanity and started to add value to garbage. A truck came and took all of those bags away. After they were gone, a couple of neighbors started quarreling with the old woman, saying she has nothing to do in our building, while she was saying they kicked her out of her house.
➋ Ok, part two now. The apartment from bellow mine had it’s door open most of the day. A disgusting smell came from there and got me worried that it might not go away soon. I made a connection thinking that was the old lady apartment and perhaps the city hall evicted her because she was a hoarder.
➌ In part three, another old lady, really old this time, started to come out of that apartment often and scream on the block’s stair house that she needed help. She asked for help, than for a conversation, then for someone to call the ambulance to take her. She seemed like she was trying to find a way to not be alone.
It turned out that the hoarder was her caretaker, sent from church, and the city hall evicted her and took all her garbage from this woman’s apartment.
⌛ Now back to us.
I started thinking about what a person must have done to be so alone at this age. I started analyzing my relationships and what am I doing wrong now that might take me to that place later. I soon realized that for the moment I can't find myself in that situation and I felt blessed, even though my relationships are complicated. I usually feel out of this world, but I still am loved. But what about the future?
I tried to talk to her, to call the city hall, but there was no reasoning with her. Our block’s administrator eventually came. I don’t know what they talked about but now it seems like another lady has been sent from the church to take care of her. In spite of that, there 's still days in which she opens the door and starts demanding that people come and talk to her.
I finally realized something after that. That’s how you get to be alone. People trying to help and you keep on doing your own thing that hurts them. When I was about to go to work one day, she got out of her house to shout. She saw me and put her cane in front of me so I couldn’t pass. It started to be funny. Plus that she kept on calling me mister. “Oh mister, stay here, talk to me for a while. Why are you going to work ?”. At some point, I was even afraid that she might hit me with the cane.
Nonetheless, I felt sorry for her. I realized that she had true issues and no one to understand her or even try to. No family, no friends. A person that no longer fits in the world. And I became aware that once you go through that path, it's hard to change it. Perhaps she wasn't like that 10 years ago, but being lonely can bring the worst in some.
I wish I could make everyone in my life happy so that they care for me even when we’re old, but I also know that life sometimes doesn't go as planned. So I think it should all start with you feeling good alone, with yourself, and after that, you will attract the right kind of people in your life. At least, that’s what I hope. Plus, being the best you can, trying to live a life the right way, are also the best things you can do. At least when the time comes, you won't be feeling guilty or have regrets.
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