Some days I feel miserable.
I lay in bed and I try not to cry but I find out later that my tears taste like the ocean. I feel cold as ice even though I am fully dressed. I whisper nonsense nothings against my skin because my breath is like a warm breeze in winter. That is how I fall asleep, knowing that I will eventually take my clothes off once I start sweating in the middle of the night. The nonsense sticks to my skin and turns into flames.
Most days I feel lonely, however, I don't feel like investing time in a friendship. Is it just me or the fact that I literally have to go through all my life with a complete stranger - that might or might not become my friend - is frustrating? Most times, I feel like I am just wasting the breath that keeps me warm at night.
I complain about everything, but if you ask me what is wrong I won't have a proper answer. I always know what I want but I can't trust the same answer twice. My thoughts are like a bird; they fly freely on my mind for days but some of them I will never see again. My answers are like a cigarette; I crave it, I light it up but sometimes I stop smoking right before the end because it doesn't taste good anymore. I quit smoking a couple months ago and I have been learning that once you quit things, they never taste the same.
Most days I am okay. Although it feels like my bed has invisible arms that makes it harder to leave and my pillow whispers love quotes on my ear with the purpose of making me stay, I know I must get up. I take showers in boiled water and sometimes I wish there was a way of always having a spare kettle – when the water no longer turns my skin red I feel uninvited. I put some nice clothes on, cover my pale face and dark circles with makeup and do my hair. I never put lipstick on. This way my makeup is never complete and I never feel like I am cheating. If I would, I would only be lying to myself.
I keep feeling lonely even in the middle of a crowd. And the crowd tries to be friends with me, but I just can't. So I stand there but I run away in my mind where there are 4 walls and I always face the corner. My lips form this shape that is supposed to show happiness and people always believe it. How can someone believe in this automatic response that all - nice- humans have for every occasion? The one thing you should know about me is that I will smile anyway, even when I feel like my world is falling apart.
I used to love crowds and now they scare me. I always wanted to go somewhere where no one knows me... But this crowd - where no one knows me – makes me feel like a bear sitting at a table – I obviously don’t belong. I realized that if they don't know me, I don't know them either. And if I can be whoever I want, so can they.