I got into my dream school last weekend. Great right? Everyone was so happy for me
But I didn't have any friends to celebrate with. And now I'm scared. What if the school is to expensive and I graduate with loads of debt? What if I'm really bad at my fashion classes, and I fail at my biggest dream. What if everyone hates me?
At this point I assume everyone hates me anyway. I've been let down to many times, way to many times. I eat lunch alone, I never go over people's houses or hang with friends. I feel so lonely, sometimes I want to disappear. The hole in my chest, the suffering is indescribable. Going to high school and having no friends at all? You can't imagine the pain. Everything I've lost, everything I could have had. There is no word strong enough for what I feel.
I don't like what I am becoming. I just wanted friends. I just wanted love. But everyone abandoned me. Everyone let me down. I'm not saying it's not my fault. Because I hated myself for a long time. I couldn't understand people and they couldn't understand me. I was left out and made fun of and misunderstood for so long, it made me insane. Now I have to love myself because no one else will. Now I can never depend on anyone else, never trust, never love, never put myself out there. I have been rejected and let down far to many times. They aren't even capable of understanding or connecting with me. I have accepted the loneliness. I am cold and hard, and I'll do whatever it takes to be successful. I never meant to turn out this way. But I am all I have, and the heart can only take so much.
I got into my dream school. And now I turn to my future. A future that promises opportunity and success. And I turn my back on the humans who've misunderstood me, mocked me and let me down. I turn my back on humanity, and to the one thing that matters, my own joy, my own success. Not because I wanted to. Because I had no other choice.
#dreams #life #sad #angst #school #dreamschool #gameofthrones #deep #emotional #truth #winter #study #goals #achievement