I don't know where to start this post.
It's Easter Monday.
Very often in life, I don't know where to start anything. I could go back in time, to a moment on my 26th birthday, walking down around Spadina street after a Vampire bar on Queen. The winds of change. Perhaps it's a romantic way of thinking, or perhaps it is the way our universe works. Maybe there are signs all around us. Angels and demons. At least, I have felt so for my entire life.
When I was a very young child, I wanted to become a minister. I wanted to fight the devil. I wonder what kind of child feels that way. Feels compelled to take a personal stand against evil, never realizing just how close evil was standing next to him.
When I came to the realization of my childhood experiences, it was through the form of a flashback and then subsequent realizations that recurrent nightmares of terror were in fact, flashbacks too.
The evil behind the actions done to me is what astounds me. It would take an army to battle this. I have a wizard on my side. I have angels on my side. I have the truth on my side.
The battle is in each and every one of us. To consider what is good and to do what is good instead of hastily ignoring the present moment and all its gifts.
The battleground is each other. Through our relationships to and with each other and ourselves in the present moment, we can practice what is good in senses that consider the well-being of all.
Sadly, many parents, some of them young, some of them old, need to reach out for knowledge, help, and wisdom, relying not on mere assumptions. Parents need to talk with professional childcare practitioners, read books, education themselves rather than blindly attempting to be something secondary. And to never cross the line that rejects the rights of the life of a child. This is criminal, in fact. To care for life is and should be our primary reason to exist. It is not mutually exclusive. Those who have lost that connection to self and others are the ones who hurt the most and often the ones who can also do the most harm to either themselves or others or both.
On November 2nd, 2018, I had a flashback in which, during and afterward, the word "annihilation" was foremost in my mind. The other word that I repeated as I experienced the flashback was: "This is a process, this is a process, I am a process."
Several times over the past months, I have tried to share this experience. It hasn't gotten easier yet. Triggers are a real thing. Trauma is a real thing. Flashbacks are real.
I went to my wife in the other room as soon as it was over and said: "Do you remember the times when they said that they had to tie me up because I had so much energy as a child?" I thought they were joking. "I just had a flashback. That really happened."
I agonized. I don't know how much time passed. Later, I called my mother and lied, telling her I was doing research on Sleep Training techniques and that I was curious to know what Sleep Training technique was used for me. I was told:
That I escaped my crib repeatedly and so a lock was put on my door.
That after finding me lying next to the door every morning the decision was made to tie me down to the mattress with a walking harness and leash wrapped around the mattress.
That this was done, I might add, to me (I was a helpless human being) EVERY NIGHT, from 8 pm until 8 am the next morning from the time I was 14 months old until I was 2 1/2 years old.
I was told, during that phone call with mother, that I was "fine with it."
All of the symptoms of someone who suffers from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or as I prefer to call, as others do, PTSI (Post Traumatic Stress Injury) I now realize I have been living these past 45 years. Vast darkness comes with mental injury, as well as physical injury, as the mind/body is our reality, in fact. Many of us survived by dissociating. Many of us continue to dissociate. Often labeled as day-dreamers with our heads in the clouds. Unable to feel safe, constantly on alert for threats, unable to trust, and seeing the world as a mostly scary place where lots of bad things are happening. Given the state of the world in which we live, it's easy for us to hide amongst the rubble. Is our present reality the result of all of our shared realities? If we stopped and listened and shared this deep human trauma that so many of us carry and pass on to our children and then reconsider THE GOLDEN RULE and make that our prime directive, might we not heal and allow space for creation to emerge. Engagement need not be impositional. Simple witnessing can be enough. We must answer to our higher being whatever we take that to be. How we participate and relate to existence, ours in relation with others is something we must practice mindfully.
I guess that is about all I am going to share about that for now. It's a lot to process for me as I am sure it is a lot for many of you out there to process as well. I want you to know that I hope to be able to ease your pain as much as I hope you will be able to help me to ease mine. Not by any feeling of obligation. Let's try to relate to each other truthfully. For me, that too is a struggle. A me that feels shattered or divided is not a comfortable existence.
I am still visualizing my house. New foundations. Healing old wounds. Exorcizing demons. Feeling clean. Feeling bright. Feeling like I am meant to be here and meant to stay for an entire lifetime- joyfully and with deep appreciation.
To all of you out there. Be good.
Jamie
