How can you possible know if you are a deeply listener or just a regular listener? That is an interesting question that we must just have if we pretend to survive or be with someone in this twenty-one century, we must try to be better listeners and communicators, and the life in couple demands that from us.
This present time, makes us, as person, to be indifferent and disconnect with the needs and desires of others, and most of the time we can´t even connect with what others are trying to say, how many times did you have to ask to someone again about what he or she was saying? how many times didn´t you understand and miss a conversation? Or how many fights did you have because of that? How often happens that to you in your life? Think about that and if that is your case, your are not able to connect with others and yourself and understand your relation with the world and everything on it, and I can say that just in one conversation.
How can I be with a person if I can´t even listen to him/her?
How can I be with me if I can´t listen to myself?
It´s not a matter to be polite, it is about respect, empathy and be able to connect with others and myself. How is that? For that, I´d like to present a few things that may help you to understand the active listening:
- Have a begginer´s mind. Every relation is different, unique and new, act like every conversion is a new world for you, that let you explore a new world of meaning, expressions and know more about yourself. Is an opportunity to know you through the other.
- Is not about passivity, is about active contemplation of our mind, emotions and the connection that we have with the other person. Is a decision that we take and is a processes that we consciously do.
- It is about practice: Deep listening is a practice for our live, is a demonstration how we act and not react from our life experiences or situation, it is about be patient, attend and calm
- It is not about express our opinions and expectations from a subject or situation, it´s to be open, without intentions or agendas to defend. When you try to fix or respond people´s ideas, there are your needs talking for you.
- Tries your self-control and change your view about what a real conversion is: feeling.
- It demands from us to be in the right moment, contemplate expressions, voice tone, sounds, movements, sensations, be right there with you and be with her/him.
From now on, I´ll present some tips to considered in the next conversion with your couple:
- offer your attention. Let the other person to know that you are interested to hear whatever she/him wants to say.
- Give some space and time for that person to speak naturally and spontaneous .
- Repeat. In your own words you can say what a person just had told to you, that lets to the other knowing that you are actually listening.
- Be relax. This is about your body language, be conscious of it, and show your interesting, look in to the eyes, and notice her/him body language too.
- Reflect your emotions, that talks about your emotional state and at the same time, reflect to the other that you can understand how that person feels in that moment, is not enough to say “I know how you feel”.
- Do not judge.
- Ask if you want to, not for judging.
- Be thankful.
It sounds very romantic but these tips actually help us, not only in our relationships, in our live, at work, school, any place, because is about our own develop and social growing.
Be free to try on.