Being maybe 15 months shy of 30, I’ve found out that things are not nearly as black and white as they were a decade ago. I’ve crossed various lines I never would have thought I would have, just to deal with this crushing existence that none of us asked for. This is what you get for being born without looks, and charm, and money.
It wouldn’t be nearly so bad if members of my own family weren’t rubbing it in my face. My little brother has a job, and a son, and a wife. My mother is getting married for the fourth time, with her third husband paying for her education, and she hasn’t had to pay her way in life for over 20 years. A big part of my burden of debt was bailing out her then-husband who was bailing her out. See, she conveniently forgot to pay her taxes for a few years, just because she didn’t feel like it.
My dad died before he could see the world go to shit, lucky bastard. And here I am, betting my life on my creative career. I put it all on red. The roulette wheel of life landed the magic ball on black. Busto.
I’m broke, out of a vehicle, out of a job, and I’ve only got 20 days to make over $1000 dollars to pay my rent and bills, and maybe satiate this powerful need to eat.
And my mother is now guilt-tripping me from her ivory tower about throwing a $150 bone my way. 30% of which got eaten up by bank fees, the rest from bills. This is when she’s not living the life of a socialite, when the spotlight is always on her, and her favorite son. I just happened to be the idiot who decided to work for a living, to not take anything for granted, who only wanted to be a good and decent person. Fat lot of good that’s done me.
Things got so shitty that I’ve had to improvise with taco seasoning and consume just to ward off the hunger pangs.
I’ve always prided myself on my fierce independence, partially because I’ve never been able to rely on my family. Friends are usually annoyed with me because of my lack of funds, and these are the people with masters degrees and PhD's and every other conceivable degree and the high-paying jobs that follow. Since some still live with their parents, their expenses are nearly nil. And meanwhile, I’m hardly able to keep this cheap roof over my head.
Things have gotten so bad, I'm seriously considering getting my hands on a mock-up gun and holding up a bank. Seriously, this shouldn't even be an option, but it's looking mighty tempting.
A lot of these lines I’ve crossed – alcohol, dope, the occasional bump of coke – have all been crossed, just to make life tolerable. If I hadn’t been slightly high the other day, I would have jumped off the nearest bridge just to stop feeling so helpless.
Seriously, I’ve blanket fired 25 resumes off in 2 days, sent off 18 emails, and not one goddamn response. How is it this hard to find a fucking job?! I hear how my preferred industry needs people; well, they need to stop making it so fucking impossible to get in! I’ve got life experience, I have a work ethic, and I’ll take nearly anything to survive. And yet, the least qualified applicants get hired.
This have gotten so bad, that I’m willing to rob a bank or start selling meth to try and get my act together. Society has pretty well failed when a good man breaks bad just to live in it. And I’m not the only one who has fallen through the cracks either.
Perhaps this is a knee-jerk reaction to how desperate my situation is, but now I’m getting told to “get over it” and “look harder”. Thanks. That’s really easy for people to say when they can afford to eat out every 4 meals a day, take a vacation a month, and have everything paid for.
Maybe this is all a great plan from upstairs. The bourgeoisie saying “Maybe if we make the cost of living so astronomically high, then poor people will just die off!”
Or maybe, I’m the poorest and hungriest I’ve ever been, and I’m starting to lose hope.
If you’d like to help, it’s not hard to upvote this post. And then maybe, I can divine the internet alchemy to transform handsome STEEM numbers into cash in my pocket.
So, paraphrasing Fred C. Dobbs from Treasure of the Sierra Madre: “Could you stake a fellow Steemian to a meal?”
Fairy Bless,
-Eli