In a relationship where we respect another, love rules. When we respect another, we love him. When we respect ourselves, we love ourselves.

It's very likely, that there is a little doubt about it in some of you, as we know that in relationships sometimes we also respect someone, who we don't like. But it's necessary to distinguish between sincere respect and respect when we just have to because we are scared of him/her. The relationship mentioned before it's called apprehension and it's described as the not equivalent relationship between two persons when someone is overpowered.

We speak of sincere respect when we talk about relations between two people who love each other and belong to each other.

And yet... Why is disregard most often going on to the people we actually care the most? Let's try to derive from the fact that we are disrespectful simply because we unconsciously maintain the defense against painful sensations.

The condition for a healthy and intimate relationship is the partners' respect. Non-compliance inside the partnership always evokes the most difficult feelings. Most often, this is the last act of breaking up.

In relations between partners is disrespect often revealed when it becomes unbearable because of all of the unspoken feelings. Anger, hate, and rage are covering the more painful feelings, such as sadness, shame, and fear. Sadness is present when the partner ignores us, does not want to hear us and doesn't give us the most basic attention. Shame is evoked by the feelings of contempt, insignificance, and unworthiness. And there is also a fear, that we will never be important and valuable to somebody, and that we will eventually remain alone and lonely.

It's important to know, that anyone who shames the other is actually shaming himself. Just for instance, do you imagine a man who, with all his contempt, tell his wife to look at her self and to finally lose some weight... Or the woman who speaks to her husband over and over again that he will never do anything right... Anyone, who would listen to all of this would feel uncomfortable, because of all this disgraceful shame. It looks like the situation is unsustainable. And the partners from before mentioned example don't accept and don't confront their shame, so they must embarrass the other. But why exactly your closest?

The paradox is that in a marriage or partner relationship over time becomes safe enough for a partner to become what they really are. All the feelings that have been hidden for some time are coming to the forefront. In a relationship that has lasted for years and became a routine, the partners eventually cease to feel themselves and each other. The senses are deadlocked and everything becomes self-evident and the partner is just someone who is there beside us. And since we can't feel anything, we need to pour out these feelings somewhere where it's actually the safest... to someone close to you!

When we reach the deepest and most difficult feelings we know, it's necessary to stop and insist on it, feel the discourage and ignoration, and to cry that out. And finally, to rise from being wounded to become vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to be open, talkative, and feel at risk, as we don't know what is waiting for us on the other side. In fact, we are risking ourselves because we respect and care for us. The right of everyone is to always speak about himself and about his own experience of the inner world. It can never be so terrible and hopeless, so we couldn't find a word for it.

Sometimes the border between respect and disrespect is quickly crossed. We don't know how to react when we are in distress and anxiety, we can't put into words what is happening in our body. But we can decide that we will abstain in this distress and anxiety - with ourselves and at someone.

Shamefulness of the other is always a reflection of one's own weak self-image. It's a consequence of the cut off emotions and the presence of the powerful defense mechanisms that prevent the disabled from perceiving the core of their shame.

Only the relationship with someone who reflects security and acceptance in the eyes can penetrate so deeply, that the shame is spreading and the defense mechanisms fall. This ultimately means that self-image is slowly transformed into something better and better.

So don't forget to show your respect to your partner through every day. Know, that his / hers love is a wonderful gift!

Photos from my personal archive.