It should be a nice Saturday evening. Finally I dared to go out again. That did not happen too often this time due to my depression. But this evening, my friends and acquaintances were able to persuade me to come to a bar and have 1 or 2 cocktails with them. I was happy to just come out and be among people. However, I knew from the beginning that I would not stay too long because I had promised to call my boyfriend (today my husband), with whom I had a long-distance relationship, to call him late at night before going to bed. The reason it was so important to me was because at that time he was absolving his job training in another village and was only home for the weekend. His shared appartment, where he stayed during the week, had no landline telephone and our prepaid cards were always empty quickly, which did not make our pocket money account balance very good if we talked too often. So calling my boyfriend on the weekends was extremely important to me.
I prepared myself and took the tram to the city center, where I met with my friends. The mood was good and we stormed into the bar. In it we took a table in the corner of the room in which we had some peace to talk. It was not long before we ordered the first cocktails. The bar was very busy and so the drinks were prepared like on a conveyor belt and placed on the counter, where they sometimes stood around for several minutes before the few waitresses distributed them to the numerous guests. After the first round the second one was supposed to follow and so I ordered a cocktail together with a friend because we did not want to drink too much. We decided to share the last drink. I ordered a Cosmopolitan cocktail. As the mood continued to improve, the others made plans for the rest of the evening and decided to leave after the drink. That was fine with me, because then I was home faster and could call my boyfriend, about whom I had to think the whole evening as I really missed him. After a few minutes the waitress finally put the glass with the pink drink in front of me. My friend took a sip and pushed the glass in my directionwith a disgusted expression in her face. She did not like the cocktail at all and asked me to drink it alone, which I did. We all drank out pretty quick, because a friend had previously announced that we should hurry up, as she would soon meet with her boyfriend in the city center. They all wanted to party together and he was almost at the meeting place. So we hurried up and left the bar very soon.
The night air was good after we sat in this stale and smoky room for a while. We walked to the tram stop where my friend met with her boyfriend. They wanted to persuade me to go out with them and make party, but I remembered that if I did, Iwould not hear my boyfriends voice for a week and I promised and wanted to call him. So I decided to take the next tram and drive home, while my friends disappeared in a good mood into the night.
The tram arrived very quickly and took about 15 minutes to get to my stop, from which it was about a one-minute walk to my apartment. I got in and sat down on a seat near the door. It was almost empty, because at that time people were more likely to head downtown to party, rather than to the outskirts. I looked dreamily out of the window, lost myself in the night and the good mood of the evening and was glad to hear the voice of my great love soon. But after a few minutes, I suddenly felt that something was completely wrong with me, which definitely did not come from the alcohol. I had barely felt drunk and knew the effect of alcohol on my body, but that was totally different. I felt as if I would abruptly blackout for a second again and again, as if passing out. My head hit the glass because I could not hold it anymore. I felt that I lost consciousness again and again. I was scared. What happened to me? I was not a bit tired and yet I always collapsed and bumped my head to the window. Instinctively I knew: I MUST make it home. No matter what was wrong with me. I had to get away from this situation. I gathered all my concentration and focused on staying awake and in the here an now. From minute to minute it was harder for me as my motor skills got worse. "WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME ?!" I wondered while horror scenarios haunted me in my mind. Again and again, I lost consciousness for a short while and found it increasingly difficult to stay here. But my inner voice told me: "HOLD ON LINDA! SOON YOU ARE HOME AND IN A SAFE PLACE! "
Finally the tram arrived at the terminal stop where I had to get off. I got up, completely numb, completely being out of it. I barely felt my body. I staggered out the door of the tram and stumbled the last few steps home with my last strength and enormous focus. I threatened to collapse at any moment, but I certainly did not want to lie on the street in the middle of the night and not know what was happening to me. Inwardly I fought like an animal, holding myself in the here and now to approach my appartment building as quickly as possible in this condition. My motor skills were completely limited, which made it almost impossible to properly walk and especially walk fast. The fear breathed down my neck, because I knew there was nobody at home. I was all alone, did not know what was wrong with me and was too much beside the track to call for help. I finally opened the front door, could barely stand. I had never felt so far away from myself. I shut door behind me and felt this frightening state finally taking possession of me. I staggered into my room and just barely managed to drop onto my bed before I spaced out completely and had no motor control over my body anymore. When I reached my apartment, my warning system, which was running at full speed, signaled that I was safe and switched off abruptly. I lay on my bed and was completely paralyzed immediately. I was fully conscious but could not even move my little finger. I got panic! For the first time, I did not have to focus on being safe and could fully grasp that I was in an extremely strange and alien state. A condition I had never experienced before. I was scared as I did not know what was happening to me and if that would ever end and if it did, in a good or a bad way. I tried desperately to make some movement, to speak, but as much as I tried, I remained silent and lay numbed in my bed. Caught in my own body.
Suddenly I felt that I was drifting away mentally, not fully conscious, as before. I could clearly feel my soul trying to get out of my body. I was terrified because something inside me told me that I was going to die now. I was abruptly pulled out of my body and flew through a blue-black-white tunnel. My first and strongest thought was, "I can not die yet! I did not say goodbye to anybody! They do not know what's going on and they will think I've committed suicide because of my depression! They will never get over it !! STAY AWAY, STAY THERE !!!" So I fought like an animal again and tried to keep myself in the here and now, but I kept getting more and more out of myself. Images of my entire life appeared to me in my mind's eye. Especially the memories of relatives who had already died appeared to me like extremely vivid memories as I continued to fly through the tunnel. Little by little, I realized that I could not stay here much longer. No matter what I did. So at some point I ended the hopeless fight and let go. Everything changed at that moment. Instead of fear and despair I felt an indescribably deep and divine love, peace and warmth inside of me. I felt a connection to the source, which flooded me with an indescribably beautiful feeling. To put that moment into words is probably impossible. So I surrendered to the journey, arranged my fate, and made the flight through the tunnel as I felt it to be my destiny.
Until I suddenly found myself in a dark room. I looked around surprised, but not scared. A few meters in front of me, the room became round shaped and I could see that it had to lie underground, because there were stairs leading up on the wall and from the ceiling grew long, thick roots downwards. As if the room lied under a giant tree. In the center of the room was a round stone fountain, surrounded by three entities in frocks, their faces covered in hoods and invisible. Whether they were male or female is hard to say.
Their energy seemed more female, but they did not clearly show themselves to me and I felt them to be neutral beings despite the female aura. As if they were something superior, where gender no longer mattered. These three entities stood around the fountain with a free space in my direction and looked into it. As if there was still a place left for me to join them. I felt as if this dark room bordering the round underground space was a kind of an "arriving area". I could not see what was in the well, but something inside me told me it was not ordinary water, what you could find in it. I slowly approached the three entities and stopped a few meters in front of the fountain.
Dignified I stood there, looking at the three entities, my eyes wandering over the fountain, the roots on the walls, and the stairs on the round wall. Then they slightly lifted their heads and I could feel their wondrous, indefinable yet peaceful voice right in my head. As if they were giving me the information telepathically. So I did not hear what they said, I felt it deep within my soul. A form of nonverbal communication that I had never experienced before. "Why are you already here?" The three entities asked me loving, calm and yet surprised right inside my head. "You are way too early! You still have a mission to fulfill! You have to go back!" And before I could say anything, I suddenly woke up in my bed again.
I was more awake than I ever was in my entire life. Felt like someone had just revived me. I was able to move every part of my body again and felt that my perception was extremely sharpened. An incredible energy flowed through me. Stunned, I lay for a moment in my bed, trying to understand and process what just had happened to me. But I did not succeed. I could hardly believe what I had just experienced. It seemed like a dream. I started to move slowly and my intuition told me to take a shower. I let the warm water flow over me and felt myself grounded again. When I finished, I dried myself and sat back on my bed. What on earth just happened to me? Where had I been, and who were those wondrous entities who threw me back to normal life within a fraction of a second, when I had barely been able to stay here before? I lay awake all night, trying to explain the incomprehensible with my logical mind. And the more I tried, the more unreal it seemed to me. At some point I fell asleep overwhelmed by this experience. The next day, when my dad came home, I told him about the experience and talked to a doctor and online and offline with people who knew about medications and drugs and told them what had happened to me. Most suspected a heavy overdose of Ketamine, due to my extreme body paralysis, which seems to be typical. Ketamine is actually an anesthetic, but nowadays it is mostly used in veterinary medicine, as it is psychedelic in higher doses and in some cases, like mine, it can even cause near death experiences, they said.
Since that day, I am no longer afraid of death. I've learned that we all have a certain time to leave this world, and until then everything will be as it should be. I was not done with my task here on earth and was sent back. Since then, I have the feeling of being protected and not having to be afraid. The entities seemed very friendly to me, and the journey through the blue-black-white tunnel and the feeling of all-embracing love and connection to the source showed me that I must not be afraid of death, because no matter when I am going to die, I will be received in a divine love. An inner peace spread throughout me and from that time on I felt more strongly than ever before that I wanted to continue to explore life, my spirituality and the divine. I had apparently taken a look to the other side and my soul had immediately devoted to this mystery. Since then I meditate even more regularly and try to learn as much as I can about the consciousness, out-of-body experiences and psychedelic experiences. But the most important lesson of the night was: I am connected with everything! I am part of the source and here to fulfill a mission. And that touched me more deeply than any experience with my consciousness before. I had opened a door and since then have been experiencing very spiritual and psychedelic moments in meditations, as I have the feeling that I now have easier access to the other side and my higher self. Over the years, the initially shocking and disturbing experience turned into an experience that I look back to in awe and gratefulness. After all, it was the night that changed my life and was my first step on the path to self-knowledge. Even though I keep a watchful eye on my drinks when I go out now. For as impressive and touching as the experience was for me in the end, it's a very frightening feeling when you do not know what's happening to you and feel like dying. But something inside me tells me that fate has not brought me this experience in vain. I learned a lot about myself that night and had an encounter with my true self that could not be more authentic. I was full of fear, desperation, love, happiness, joy, courage and the whole range of feelings within a few hours. I met the divine source. I lost myself and found myself again. And I experienced what I had already felt deep inside in me all those years before: there is more than we can guess and we are all one!
