I can't really say I am scared of death, but no, I don't want life to end. I have finally started going to the doctors on a regular basis after a few decades of daily pain. I blame my wife for this, she makes me go. I guess she can see it in my face when I move and hear it in my voice when I speak.
I hate doctors, I don't think they really do a job other then regurgitate what someone else before them wrote in a book based off of what you tell them. This is irritating as fuck when you're in pain and they just throw medications at you in place of solving the problem. 2017 was my first surgery, I avoided surgery in 2016 by just powering through the pain and doing some old school self healing. I am trying to avoid some more serious surgeries in 2018.
Surgery doesn't bother me to much, you go to sleep in pain and wake up in pain. That is pretty much every other moment of my life. That is normal to me, but fixing things one by one leads to new pains. Yes! Awesome, fix one thing causing pain and get a new set of pain or symptoms. I avoided double arm surgery, good for me. I completed stomach surgery and started to work on my back and neck.
My back has always been an issue, I must admit I do now stand almost 5 inches taller this year. My wife hates that, she is a short little tiny woman and now I fully tower over her as I should. I don't notice too much, never did when I couldn't stand up straight. I had to look down, the same as I do now at her. I guess for her looking up more is noticeable.
My migraines are what have been really fucking me up for years, years really mean since I was under ten. They did not happen as often long ago or I just don't remember them. There is a lot I do not remember, basically anything from my first twenty years of life is blank. As a baby of 6 kids I get 7 different stories of my childhood between my parents and siblings. I don't know if it is funny that none of them can make a coherent collaborating story or sad that no one really knows what the fuck the past is. This is part of the reason I don't believe a lot of history as it is told. Nobody is unbiased, so nothing you get told is really true.
My problem, I am facing now is short term memory loss. This scares me to death. I lose a few days each day to vividly remember it all a few days later. So now I face life not having any memories of childhood and a house full of children I am fearful that I will forget in sections. Not that I will forget who my children are but that I may forget key elements of their lives, nature stealing more of my life. So to the doctors I keep going.
I have been seeing the same doctor for a few years, I have been on hundreds of pain killers, muscle relaxers and nerve pills each month for years. They don't really do anything for my pain. My wife became concerned after reading that I really shouldn't have been taking many of them for more than a month before trying alternative methods of pain relief. So YAY, more fucking doctors.
The same thing at each set of offices, they give me text book treatments. They listen without listening. The collect their paychecks without treatments, they are following regulations on what is supposed to be done in place of doctoring to the point where they figure out what the fuck is wrong. I have had so many bottles and injections of radiation for CT scans that I have to sign a waiver each time I take the test, stating I understand the risk to my health from this "service" the doctors are providing.
So now I am in a new set of testing, MRI's. This is great, finally non-invasive imaging technology without radiation. My doctor finally stepped up her game and is recommending test that are safer, great right? Nope my insurance simply will not cover any more CT scans with radiation. I have hit a lifetime maximum ingestion of radiation as far as my insurance company is concerned. Unless it is an emergency room visit, I will never be able to have a radiation CT done under my insurance or any other insurance company that I get.
I don't know if that means if I get cancer if radiation treatment is off the table or if it is just blocked as far as finding the source of injury is concerned. None of these test have been wasted, each one has produced an illness. I am at a fork in the road rather I am pleased they are protecting me or pissed that I am denied these test.
I have to do something. My family is too big to lose me. I am to greedy to give up my life and be without them. I love my pain in the ass wife to much to let her go on without me. I don't want to miss a minute of my kids growing up. I am greedy when it comes to my family. I will continue to do whatever I have to in order to secure more time with them, even if that includes being in so much pain I am fighting back tears.
Here is how I spent my afternoon. This is also an image of what little monster was hiding in my neck. I had a lion cub in my brain and this little winged, Buddha shaped, clown, demon in my neck. Can you see the freaky clown?
Also at just a little under 300 pounds you would have thought they would have had a bigger machine to stick me in, that is why the title of this post. I couldn't help but feel this is what it will feel like to lay in a box after death. Wife, burn me and throw my ashes in paint and have a beautiful mural painted with my ashes. Does this count as a last will and testament since it's on the blockchain??
