This morning, I saw him fall asleep. I see it so deeply. So much to do. I am often angry with his attitude that is so indifferent to me. Either he did not care about me or tried not to care.
Sad for the coldness that has recently come up again. Want to get angry and scream. But at last I realized I was not worth doing that.
Oh God I love him I love him so much that all the wounds and hurt that had been able to be removed with this feeling. But I feel so far even though this face is only a few centimeters with his face.
I felt cold even though I was holding her tight. I feel my days with him are so bland even though they see us happy. I try to live happily. I try to forget what really exists.
But unfortunately it's all so real. I was so aware of everything. I realize he does not love me. I realized there was someone else he had secretly loved. And I can not do anything. O God I have to what.
One side I want to stay because I love him so much and I do not want our baby hurt.
But one side I want to let go. Because I know I'm not the reason for her happiness. I feel sick as if I feel how much he wants another woman, not me. But the circumstances that forced him to be with me.
I want to see him happy. Two more years we walked through this household. What I never felt. We feel like grief and struggle that is not easy. There were so many reasons I could part with it but the reason "I never chose because I chose one other reason.
Repairs are indeed there though not perfect. But it is much better. But I can not deny that I also feel pain loving and surviving with people who can not love me.
I want something reasonable like a couple. I want to laugh with him, to be his place, to be a reason to go home, to share and spill his grievances. I want her to hug me back as I hold her tight. I want to hug her every time that lets me want to be the woman she loves.
But it seemed impossible, because so many secrets in him that he was reluctant to share with me. So many things I do not know about her let alone her feelings. Sometimes it would be better if I try to survive even though it's time to give up.