Like the title says, these last 5 months I've shared a two bedroom apartment with my ex-girlfriend. It's something I always told myself I'd never do. It's something I've never done in the past. I've never thought it would be a healthy way to live for either person. I've always thought people would think I'm weird. I always thought people who lived together after breaking up were weird. Now that five months have gone by, I'm not sure if I was right or wrong to begin with.
A little back story
I will try to keep it short and sweet to catch you up to life at this point. I'm 30 now and so is my ex. We went to school together since 7th grade. Senior year of high school we dated for a while. Broke up. Did our own thing for the next seven years and hardly saw each other. Around the age of 26 we hung out with mutual friends back in our home town one weekend. I instantly realized she still had all the qualities that attracted me to her years ago.
A couple days later I made the 45 minute drive to grab lunch with her. Then she came and saw me. This went on for a week or two. It was fun to catch up and swap memories. Every time we said goodbye I wanted to blurt out, "lets try again!" Every time I drove home confused and unsure where my head was. Up until then, I had my head right for years. No one occupied my thoughts or had me questioning myself.
One day I just went for it. I asked if she would be willing to give us another chance. Clearly we were on the same page. We were back together and it seemed like we never spent seven years apart. A couple months later, a job opportunity for both of us presented it self in Ohio. We talked it over, accepted it on a Thursday night, and on Sunday we had our stuff and cars packed up and made the drive from Illinois.
We lived and worked in Ohio for two years. The owner of the company asked if we would like to relocate to Arizona. He offered to pay all expenses for the move, give us bonuses, and a raise. We again accepted, packed up, and moved. A couple months later, we both left the company one at a time and got new jobs.
Shortly after moving to Arizona, what she wanted out of the relationship changed. I've been open and honest about what I wanted since day one, and we saw eye to eye for years. Then it was as if we came to a fork in the road, I stayed on the route we agreed to take, but she wanted to go a different way. Our wants out of life were now so different that there was no way to stay together.
This is not a practice life, this is the big game. Everyone deserves a shot at making what they want out of their life. I should not be pressured or compromise, and neither should she. People will probably disagree with me, but that's how I see it. If I have to compromise on things I want and don't want in my life, I simply wont. Trivial shit like the color of the curtain in the spare bedroom is never even a small argument. Neither is where I or we will be in five or ten years. If we're not on the same page on the later, then where we will be is apart, doing our own things, chasing what will make us happiest during this short trip we call life.
After a couple talks we were no longer a couple. A week after our 4th anniversary. I moved into the spare bedroom and gave her the master bedroom, because walk in closet. She agreed to either move back to Illinois or find her own place quickly. Since there is no hostility and I don't have to worry about my car getting smashed in the middle of the night, I wasn't worried about it.
Our apartment and our schedules are pretty good for two people who try to live their own lives. Living room, kitchen and dining room are in the middle. On either side is a big bedroom with it's own full bathroom. We only really see each other on the weekends if she gets those days off.
Life today
The first couple weeks were a little awkward. Then it sort of evened out and we were having cigarettes on the balcony talking about work or something funny we saw. Now we occasionally grab dinner and drinks on Saturday. I sometimes miss her, but quickly remind myself I miss an older version of her. The moment passes and I carry on.
The biggest pain in the ass is when my co-workers ask about my living situation, or why I don't kick her out, or why I don't hook up with her every once in a while. I give them prepackaged answers. The generic sounding replies that sports stars give during interviews. I say things like she actually makes a better roommate than they ever could, her half of rent is never late, and that I'm not attracted to her anymore. Two out of three are not lies, and I can live with that.
Sexual attraction doesn't get turned off when your break up wasn't caused by anything Jerry Springer worthy. She's a little cutie pie. I would be lying if I told you that it's not slightly frustrating going to bed alone in separate bedrooms after dinner and a couple drinks with her. Maybe I'm full of myself, but I think the opportunity is there some nights. However, I don't want to mess with my head or hers just for one night of sex. In the morning we would still be two people who can't be happy together.
Maybe I'm not giving my co-workers enough credit, but I feel if I broke it down like that, they would laugh at me. Then say something like, "Bro you gay? Just bone her already." I avoid all that completely, just laugh with them at my situation, and keep feeding them the substance-less prepackaged answers.
The last week or two I've started to feel a little antsy about it all. I really want her to move out. I don't need her half of rent to make ends meet. I also don't want to be the one to move out. I like this apartment, and after moving so much the last ten years, I just want to sit still for a while. I hate living alone, but I really want to give it one more try. I'll probably end up begging one of my co-workers to move in with me in a month or two, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
I can't tell her to just get out either. I'm half the reason we're out here in the first place. Last thing I want is for her to feel like she has no options or has to settle or have some kind of deadline. However, I really want her to leave. Not sure how to press the issue and not be a dick about it. We're fine roommates and exes now, I don't want to make things bad. We share most of our friends, so our paths will probably cross here and there for the rest of our lives.
It's been a month or so since I last asked her how the apartment search was going, or if she was moving back to Illinois. I told her to give me a heads up when she knows what she's doing about it all. Some days, after a long shift at work, when I put the key in the door I hope to walk in and see all her stuff gone. No goodbye, no here's where I'll be, just gone. Other times when I'm putting the key in, I hope she's awake and we can swap stories about our week for a couple minutes.
What I've learned
I've been living my ex for the last 5 months. All the preconceived notions I had on the topic have changed, gone back, and changed again. As much as I thought I had the space between my ears all sorted out, I guess it depends on the day. It seems it would be possible to live with an ex. Really depends on the two people, your reasons for breaking up, and what plans you both have for the near future when it comes to your living arrangement.
If anyone has had a similar experience, or has any words of wisdom, feel free to chime in.