... are the time bombs in our midst. On any unpredictable provocation or being put in a violence-induced political / cultural environment, they may explode out of the blue, right next to you or me, or people who are closest to them, at any time.
" How many hearts are too heavy? "
" How much sorrow is too soggy? "
" How many journeys are too lonely? "
" How much hoping is too greedy? "
I'm pretty sure probably all of you have heard of a phrase of wisdom that sounds almost ancient by now:
"To let go, one must forgive. "
"Forgiving is the only way to let go of old wound and free yourslef from all the pain and suffering."
First and foremost, I totally agree and endorse this wise piece of advice from all souls, professionals from the science community, spiritual leaders, Buddha, God, unknown deities from your regional religious belief, your mentors, and your venerable role models who have showered you with such age-old, scientifically proven formula to emotional and mental freedom.
What I'm wishing to offer in this article is hoping to simply add something else on top of that.
When we keep reinforcing such advice onto those already-troubled mind, young or mature, it perpetuates the message that
"Forgiving is the MANDATORY PREREQUISITE to letting go.
Without FORGIVING FIRST, you shall never be able to let go of old pain and anger."
Both of which lead the general population who suffered past traumatic experiences into believing:
"Without FORGIVING FIRST, I will be doomed for good."
You'll normally be given examples of how forgiving helps relieve pain and anger and sets people free, and exercises to facilitate that goal.
But here is the twist:
" Is it REALISTIC to expect ALL OF THOSE troubled souls to be able to forgive those who traumatized them, especially when the extent of pain is literally unsurmountable ? "
.
If you, heaven forbid, were the child victim in the following two scenarios,
Are you able to forgive those who repeatedly rape, starve, and torture you when you were a child?
Are you able to forgive your parents, and those evil hands whom your parent sent you to and who made you a sex slave through excruciating force and pain then dump you like a garbage when you no longer hold any "value" to them when you were a young child?
<If you, heaven forbid, were the child in these two horrific scenarios,
are you able to forgive .....>
You got the picture.
Is it even human to expect any average Joe and Jane to forgive such beings, an act that takes a saint to pull off?
If all victims in these two examples, or those suffered trauma of the same severity level, adpot the phrase of wisdom mentioned above, and if only 20% of them are able to forgive, that means the other 80% are already "dead for good" by the time the trauma was done on them.
I'm definitely not objecting to those words of wisdom, but simply couldn't help feeling fearfully hopeless, gloomy about my own future when I was young. And this is why.
- Coming from an emotional abuse family, I became very empathetic from a young age. As a young adult, for a long time, I simply wasn't able to forgive the family member who imposed those trauma on me. And every time reading "One must forgive to let go," I thought to myself in despair,
"I really wanted to forgive but I just couldn't. In fact, I hated that person. Am I going to be forever doomed by all the mental damages done on me, and never be able to free myself?"
At least that was how an eighteen-year-old interpreted that phrase.
When things in life went awry, when I frequently made bad decisions for unknown reasons, I attributed those to all the damaging mental hang-ups imprinted on me since I was a little kid, and not being able to forgive that family member. I wound up in pain and anger, sometimes devastated for fear of having to deal with this for the rest of my life. And I'll never be able to attain the happiness and freedom that I so desired.
It wasn't until long long after I left the family, moving somewhere far away from them, and got into fitness, which lead me into healthy living, which in turn exposed me to other health-related literature, such as integrative medicine, that eventually brought me to the discovery of positive psychology, that things started to change, for the better.
Positive psychology really opened me up to a new dimension of understanding self healing. I made every attempt to surround myself with positive influences whenever I can, and eventually built my self-confidence. For what feels like the longest time, I finally started to see the blue sky and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Don't get me wrong. I still get my fair share of blues like most human beings every once in a while, especially when the old pain tiptoed onto my mind when I was not careful. But all in all, one day it suddenly dawned on me that:
"I have not forgiven the person who had traumatized me, but my letting go process somehow already silently started."
.
I couldn't be more pleased for the reduced burden that I had longed to feel and the lightness that I was now finally able to gleefully relish, gratefully enjoy.
What surprised me even more was as the pain in me lessened, so did the anger. Over the years, I found I no longer had hateful thoughts or held grudge against the family member who traumatized me in my childhood.
In other words, I already forgave the person without even my own knowledge.
It sill hurts me thinking of the things the person did to me when I was simply a small, totally-innocent-defenseless kid, but those hurt no longer had a hold on me.
Furthermore, I was even able to step out of my own self and into that family member's shoes, trying to understand why the person would have behaved the way the person had, and actually turned sympathetic to the person.
But don't take me wrong. I may make it sound easy by briefing through the whole let-go-then-forgive process in just several smooth paragraphs when what it actually entailed was an unfulfilled life filled with disappointing, troubling, even agonizing events, feeling hopeless like a helpless prisoner in a pitch-dark cell, with no end to the doom.
However, I considered myself lucky for being able to eventually both let go and forgive, as opposed to getting stuck in this emotional / mental limbo, feeing hopeless for not being able to forgive and let go.
The severity of traumatic experiences in the two examples I described in the beginning part of this article definitely makes my own suffering a-piece-of-cake case, but even that took me several decades to complete both the let-go and forgive process.
Which explains why it literally makes me personally feel "criminal" to even mention the word "forgive" to those victims who suffered traumatic life experiences of that level of severity, let alone expecting them to carry out that saintly act of "forgive."
Of course, despite a medicine hard to swallow, it is the right thing to do, and the proper prescription to dispense.
What I'm wondering is
- "as scientifically-and-spiritually correct as it may be, how many people out there are actually getting stuck by this age-old advice and, because not being able to forgive, wound up deterring their letting go process, rendering themselves living in the darkness of their shadows longer than they might have needed to, or even completely defeated by the incapability to forgive, consequently succumbing to the desolation and death that may eventually become them."
Has it ever occurred to people when dispensing such advice that they would also tag alone a supplemental piece that emphasizes
"it is possible one can let-go first before forgiving. "
The idea is,
"Never let this well-intended piece of advice that is meant to help those in pain end up deterring, or even killing, their path to ultimate healing and recovering."
When such deterring or killing effects take place, those suffering souls may end up 4 possible outcomes:
They eventually figure things out and are able to let go, or both let go and forgive.
They turn to drugs or alcohol to numb their pain, anger and hopelessness. Some of them will end up dying from substance abuse.
They explode some day all of a sudden and commit crime,
such as those shooting rampage or mass killing that we've now unfortunately and pathetically gotten used to these days, or hurting / killing themselves, or / and people who are close to them.
.
- The majority of them will fall under the 4th category, who simply struggle with their dark secrets within themselves and appear to be average people.
These are the time bombs in our midst. On any unpredictable provocation or being put in a violence-induced political / cultural environment, they may explode out of the blue, right next to you or me, or people who are closest to them, at any time.
.
They may also stay in this gray / dark area for the rest of their lives, stuck in this mental limbo, abyss of hopelessness, leading a "half life" where emotional freedom, true happiness and joy feel like forever a thousand miles away. As a result, the lives of their loved ones and the people who care about them also suffer.
It's a lose-lose for all.
Which is why I would have decided to publish this article to just express my 2 cents and let those who are still struggling in their dark shadows know that:
"Ideally, one would want to forgive in order to let go."
"But you don't really have to forgive first in order to let go."
"If you can let go before forgive, all the better and definitely take advantage of that."
"They don't have a mandatory order. "
"Either one can take place first."
"Once one is in place, or starts its due process, continue to work on the other one."
In fact, in some (albeit not all) cases, forgiving part may not even be necessary if letting-go is already in place.
The reason is from the Positive Psychology point of view, digging in the traumatic source, even if for therapeutic purpose, doesn't always help the situation. So steer clear of the negatives, focus on the positives, and stay positive.
(However, there are times, and probably many times, when combining traditional psychological / psychiatric treatment with Positive Psychology and / or other alternative treatment options is the best solution. I'm not a medical professionals of any kind. One should always consult with his doctors / medical professionals he normally works with to seek the best treatment options for his own conditions, or for his loved ones'.)
Conclusion
- At the end of this article, I'd like to emphasize the importance of prevention, that is to well-equip our youngsters with the knowledge and practical methodology to regulate their emotions, manage their stress and anger, much like physical education to strengthen their body, by integrating Positive Psychology, or anything along those lines, into the official curriculum of all schools, starting from elementary school to university. We just need to re-create them to make sure they are age-appropriate.
Positive Psychology has the potential to not only help relieve / lessen damage from trauma by focusing on all positive human traits, but also proactively guide each individual, healthy or inflicted, to a much more fulfilling path that leads to a good life, or even a meaningful life.
- This is just my 2 cents. What's your thoughts on this subject ? Why not share them with everybody below. Isn't that why we are here - to share and learn something from each other so we can all be a wee bit "better off" in the end - one post at a time.
Thank you for reading.
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(* Disclaimer:
This article is written by a writer who is not a medical professional, or scientist of any kind, neither a spiritual authority figure, but an average human being who writes out of his own life experiences and from his heart. This article is not meant to replace your medical professional's advice or any advice from any authority figures in your lives. All readers must consult with their own authority sources before making any changes in their lives or the lives of others based on the information in this article. You're solely responsible for all outcomes of your actions.)