So, “it’s complicated”. Is it? Really?
It’s 2017, so I’m going to generalise here, but I’d say that a lot of you either HAVE a bit on the side, ARE/WERE a bit on the side, or KNOW/KNEW someone who is, or has a bit on the side? It’s OK, we’re all friends here….
Did you do anything about it? Did you think it was none of your business? Did it change the way you looked at other relationships, including your own?
Forget the morality of being someone’s bit on the side, or having a bit on the side, or the burden just knowing too much, for one moment.
Morality is just society’s unwritten way of controlling or limiting a person and their behaviour, admittedly, it’s usually really bad behaviour, but for the most part, it’s behaviour which is “frowned upon”. Your office morality could be very different from your social morality, which in turn, may differ from your family morality, and that may even differ from your own personal morality. There is this thing called “crowd mentality”, or conformity, you may have heard of it…? Going with the majority consensus, even though you may not actually agree with it on a personal level. (Conformity vs Morality, discussion saved for another day).
So, back to the matter at hand, who decides what YOU do? How much of what you say and do is influenced by others?
This is by no means a judgement call. It is, in fact, a call for people to address personal responsibility, yes, check yourself….Yes…YOU…!
Here are a few trains of thought.
First of all, if you are someone's bit on the side (BOS), it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, unless..(wait for it…), unless it isn’t exactly what YOU want it to be. If you are being asked to play the waiting game, then it’s a bad thing because it means someone is playing games with your expectations. Lower or change your expectations. Be aware that someone else will usually have priority over that person's time, and more often than not, it WON’T be you. On the other hand, if that person or situation is as convenient for you, as you are for them, then the problem pretty much is all theirs. And if you’re still dating in the meanwhile, you may well find yourself that significant other, who could also be a game-changer for both of you…. once you’ve answered the question, “So, what did you expect?”, you should realise that it isn’t really that complicated after all.
Second. If you have a BOS, does your partner know? Does your partner even care? And if they didn’t know, but found out…? What are your reasons? What are your expectations? How close are those reasons and expectations to those of your partner or BOS? Some partners are fully aware of what is going on and in some cases, will not only turn a blind eye, but will give their full on blessings to the situation for the purpose of keeping the “status quo”, whether it be for financial reasons, family expectations, or mental/physical disabilities. While some are absolutely clueless as to what is going on, to the point of being easily and unknowingly manipulated into accepting your lifestyle choice.
Third. If you know something that you either shouldn’t know, or have been told in confidence perhaps, what is your stance when it comes to exposing the truth? Does it depend on your relationships to either party? Is it just none of your business? What if it was YOUR partner, keeping you in the dark about their extracurricular activities? It’s usually ignored, if, for example, there is an office romance on the go, but one or both parties are married, as long as nobody in the office knows their partners. So where does morality kick in, in that situation? Or family members, numerous scenarios to imagine here, choose one and have your say, hypothetically speaking of course…Or is it YOU? Do you suspect that you are being cheated on? Shady glances amongst your friends, but nobody is talking? Or, being 2017, are you embarrassed about being in an open relationship, knowing that friends and family, and peers, won’t understand?
I’m not trying to OUT anyone, so no names are necessary. You may want to get something off your chest, or offer up an explanation for any of the above scenarios, or the many possibilities in between.
I know you have answers, there is a world of experience out there. Someone may also benefit from any advice you may have to offer.
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