I have been stuck for years repeating the same fights with my partner over and over again. And no matter what I tried, it never changed. The only consequence was our relationship getting worse and worse.
Trying to change other people is always a recipe for disaster. It confuses the origin of the problem, looking for change in everyone but oneself. But in most cases we are in charge. We can accept other persons the way they are or you move on without them. There is no need to look for blame in others, when we already have to power to change things.
That does not mean one should not be trying to find a common ground for problems. And of course it is fine to tell a partner what pisses you off. But other people do not owe me anything. They either change it or don't.
Nowadays when someone starts to annoy me, I either walk away if i don't care, or I try to accept it because I have made the choice to stick with that person regardless. I am responsible for my happiness, but I am also in charge. On the other hand, fighting back is just responding passively and shows that one is not really in charge.
Living this way is not always easy. But from my experience it is worth it. Sometimes it feels like I am too simply giving in and not standing up for what I deserve. But this is based on faulty logic. Endless fights over the same topic for years are what is stupid. Even if I win in words every time, the problem does not go away. Because these words mean nothing. In the end they are just an expression of hostility. Wasted time and effort. Wining is ending the fights and accepting. Winning is realising that it was my own choice and my reality is the consequence of my choices. If I am really annoyed by it, then I should start choosing differently. But in many cases I did make the choice to accept it. It is just so much easier to blame unhappiness on others and become angry. But as so often that does not help anyone, it is just a mental cage trapping us. Change always starts and ends at oneself. Being calm and thoughtful is true strength.
