I’m guilty, your honor.
Don’t even bother going through cross examination, I confess. It’s all on me. 100%. Guilty as charged.
You want evidence? Here’s a sordid summary:
- My cellphone is the first thing I touch in the morning, and the last thing at night.
- I’ve forgotten to bring my wallet when I leave home on many occasions, but never my cell for some reason.
- I check every notification on my phone, immediately, without fail.
- I worry more about my phone running out of juice than myself running out of water.
- I can recite the number of likes I got on my last 5 instagram photos.
- I don’t have a name for my phone, but I do feel calmer every time I touch it.
- It takes all of my willpower to NOT play with my phone when I’m bored at a social event.
- I feel an instant connection when I hear another person using the same ringtone as mine.
What, you want me to stop, your honor? I could go on...really. There’s so much more. What? You’ve heard enough? Alright. What’s the verdict then?
Cold turkey? What do you mean? That’s too harsh your honor. I can’t...I just can’t...for the love of god and all that’s holy, have mercy!
What’s that? Max 1 hour a day? How am I supposed to keep trac...oh, there’s an app for that? Ok, should have known.
Alright, I will try it… I mean, I will do it your honor! Yes sirree, starting tomorrow. What’s that? Effective immediately? But I’m in the middle of a reddit flame war… What? Contempt of court? Okay okay, I will start right now.
One last thing, can I have a selfie with you, your honor?