Even in these modern, anything goes, times, casual sex leads to heartbreak in the majority of cases.
One of the reasons for this is biological. Both men and women release oxytocin, the hormone and neurotransmitter, during orgasm. Oxytocin calms us down, soothes our anxieties and makes us feel all warm inside.
It’s also a key biological factor that bonds people to each other. Some research shows that it is associated with the ability to maintain healthy relationships. It’s sometimes called the “cuddle hormone” and it’s what helps parents bond with their babies and women bond with their mates. It’s often the reason for a woman starting to see a casual relationship as meaning more than it actually does.
Consider this; She feels that she has bonded with him and she whispers, “I love you.”
He goes silent and she is hurt. She then finds that he’s not returning her calls and she starts to complain that she feels used.
Of course, the risks of casual sex for a woman are far higher than for a man. Although contraceptive techniques have come a long way, the can and do fail and a pregnancy is the result. The man can easily walk away from the immediate emotional stress, but he still has the next sixteen to twenty years paying child maintenance, if she chooses to keep the child.
It is unlikely that the woman can accept that it was just casual sex and so he doesn’t want anything to do with her or the child. She may want some form of commitment from him and once again, she may be very disappointed.
The second scenario is that he is happy that she is pregnant, but she doesn’t want to keep the child. In most countries, he has no say in the matter of an abortion. Therefore, he faces the heartache of losing his child. He feels helpless and angry.
Now, I’m hearing you say “Ahh but times are changing but I’m afraid that I can tell you that they haven’t changed that much. Third Wave Feminist may believe that women can behave in any way they want but men haven’t changed their view. The majority of men want the woman they settle down with, to be fairly ‘moral’ in her views. If a woman has slept around and engaged in casual sex, the man may feel that they will not be faithful to him.
I have counselled many men who have been embarrassed by meeting other local men who have had sex with their partner, even before the couple met. Psychologically, a man is hard wired to ‘own’ the woman that he chooses to impregnate. This is a primal feeling. He wants to ensure that his offspring are really his and his alone.
The female primal feelings are one of wanting a man to be around to provide for and protect her children. Even in these modern day, a woman’s earning power and freedoms are curtailed by having children. So, she needs a man to stay with her to ensure that her children can eat, be educated and are emotionally balanced.
In sexual psychology, we also see the value that a man puts on the ‘unattainable’ or the ‘thrill of the chase’. Dr Pam Spurr and Professor Aparma Labroo of the University of Chicago have completed extensive research on how a man applies a greater value on things that he has had to expend effort on achieving. This includes his attraction to women. Therefore, a woman who has sex with him, without much effort at all, becomes less attractive.
Women come to me, complaining that the man they had sex with last night hasn’t called or text them and they ask my why? My answer is simple, you gave him exactly what he wanted and now he’s going to move onto the next person. We then deal with their feelings of rejection and look at strategies for them to ensure that it doesn’t happen again.
On the subject of rejection, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs give us a clear clue as to what humans really want to live a fulfilling life.
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If we look at the middle section of this triangle, we can see that it relates to the human need for love and friendship without rejection.
Rejection does some funny things to our sense of security and our self-esteem. A man or woman who walks away from their partner after sex leaves them with feelings of rejection. They have the idea that they have done something wrong. Their self-esteem falls because they feel that they were in some way ‘not good enough’.
On rare occasions, it can work but this is usually within the age bracket of 18-25 year olds where neither party are ready for a long term committed relationship. However, the relationship is usually either a one-night stand or a few liaisons, rather than a long-term arrangement.
Finally, casual sex between people where one or both are already married occur and may be suitable for some short-term ‘fun’. However, the risk here is that their long-term partner will find out and this put’s that relationship at serious risk. When this happens, the ‘shine’ soon goes off the casual relationship and if the man or woman was expecting the other to leave their long-term partner, they are usually disappointed.
So there we have it. The risks of a friends with benefits relationship usually outweigh the positive points.
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