In this world of social media we are presented with many new scenarios never experienced before. I’m sure there are many others but today I just want to share one.
Last year my father died. Though I hadn’t felt close to him since my early teens it was still an emotionally challenging time. I dealt with these emotions on my own for the most part; my sisters’ relationship with him were very different to mine and it would have been unfair to share my feelings of anger, disappointment and regret with them when they were also dealing with their own, no less complicated feelings and emotions.
Being unable to travel out of Venezuela, I was therefore absent from his funeral and not afforded the benefit of the closure this ceremony of interment offers. I was told that it was a fitting event, attended by a good few friends but this didn’t affect me in the way you might think. My father and I connected on only a very few things, The Big Bang Theory and Monty Python in the realm of TV and not much else to be honest. A shared sense of humour is a big thing I’m sure you’ll agree but we were rarely able to extend our enjoyment of these shows in to any other part of our relationship.
At first his death didn’t seem to leave much of a hole in my life; he’d left our family home amid violence, betrayal, adultery and cowardice when I was just fourteen and during the first few years thereafter he had done nothing to ease the pain and loss I felt, on the contrary he added to it and did damage which affected every aspect of my life. I was able to keep a lot of the damage hidden, even from myself until a serious head injury destroyed the walls I had built inside and sent me spiraling down into a deep depression. I attended therapy and learned some skills which helped a great deal; at the very least I was able to begin the long process of rebuilding myself emotionally.
Dealing with this damage is an ongoing process which is made no more difficult by his now permanent absence. I made many attempts to connect with him over the years but was always frustrated by his uncanny ability to avoid any acceptance of responsibility or even to hold a conversation about those years leading up to and then immediately after his separation from my mother. So processing this jumble of conflicting emotions has been mostly a solitary journey but one which I think I am finally reaching an end to. For sure there will always be remnants of anger, disappointment and regret; I am at an age where such feelings are just a fact of life but their effect on my life are as insignificant as I can possibly make them.
So it was with some surprise that I was presented with a new feeling of loss this morning.
My father’s facebook account is still open and he was a keen player of Farm Heroes Saga, a cheesy game I’m sure you’ll agree but one which I also play from time to time. Over the last few months the number of players on my friends list has gradually dwindled to just two; my father and one friend. In a strange way, seeing my father’s name on the table of winners afforded me a small sense of connection with him but this morning I completed level 787 and was presented with the sparkly announcement that I had now passed my father.
It feels weird.
There is now nothing more. He will never play another round so it’s finally just me. I felt a physical jolt when I saw that I had finally passed him and am writing this now with feelings bubbling up once again. Strangely the overriding emotion is one of emptiness. This sad little game was my last connection to my complicated father and now that it’s over.