Birds of a feather flock together...
It was June. I was 15 years old, turning 16 in August.
At the time I had spent a year and a half at my seventh school, living with my alcoholic father. His tendencies were becoming clearer with every passing night.
It's funny what admiration can do to ones perspective of a situation.
He loves me more than he loves anyone else in the world and I thank him for the strength, patience and acceptance he has taught me. We don't always get the teachers we want, but the ones we need.
Discipline was nonexistent and I was given free reign of my decisions which had led to a few nights of underage binge drinking without his knowledge. It was a dream come true after living with an over protective mother.
Be careful what you wish for.
I had developed a small social circle of mild mannered chaps. We were all good kids. There were a few in the group who were a bit more out there however. On this day I was invited by one of these out there friends, Liam, to hang out with the popular kids.
My dad dropped us off, giving me $10 for hot chips if we got hungry. He should have known something was a bit off.
Spending an overcast day after a week of rain at a soccer oval wasn't the norm for me. I would have much rather been at home playing my XBox...
I think my dad was hopeful I could expanded my social circle. Which is exactly what I ended up doing.
We arrived at the secluded field, dad said his goodbyes and made his way home.
Liam and I meandered to the central kiosk. If you were driving past you would have no idea anyone was even there and it wasn't until we walked around to the back side that we saw a group of six.
The popular kids.
The ones who commanded respect from the rest of my year. The funniest ones, two of the prettiest girls and a guy dating one of them who was in the year above us.
I was intimidated. I was just Harry in the presence of royalty.
I said happy birthday to Jae, the birthday boy. Liam did most of the talking after that.
It was then that I noticed no one had a soccer ball...
"Do you guys have money to throw in for a stick?" One of them asked. His name was Jack. He was a notorious class clown with no respect for authority. Short and loud, for some reason kids respected that.
I had no idea what that term meant, and my naivety became clear to me as the conversation continued. It turns out a stick is a measurement of marijuana.
It made no sense to me but I had to pull down a mask to fit in, I'm with the cool kids after all.
Drug use though?!
"Do you guys have a bong?" Liam asked forcefully, as if he would not be interested unless it were the case. I knew what a bong was, as a result of movies or the internet as well as offhanded jokes in the classroom.
I entered an inner state of panic and excitement. Was this actually happening?
"Yeah man Lachy brought a gato!" Another unknown term. I soon learned it was the name given to a home made bong, fashioned from an empty Gatorade bottle. Lachlan pulled one from his back pack.
Everyone's eyes lit up with excitement. The sort of excitement one feels when jumping from heights into water. Or when the immature knowingly break the law...
"Harry got $10 from his dad!" Liam exclaimed.
Perfect
All eyes looked to me.
"Harry have you even smoked weed before?" One of the girls blurted out in an interrogatory tone.
"Ahh yeah but only in a joint." I lied.
"I have $10 Harry lets go halves." Jack said.
If I had any form of an internal value system I would have used it to decided if I wanted to do this or not... Seeing as I didn't, I just went along with the group. Not for the first time and not for the last.
"Okay"
A drop off was organised and my mind was still racing. My subconscious mind was screaming at me to leave, but my rational mind couldn't resist temptation and social acceptance.
One of the kids older brothers rolled into the parking lot driving a white Mitsubishi Lancer. He was a tall 22 year old with large, square, reflective Dragon Alliance sunglasses. They were expensive and the epitome of cool. He hollered "have fun kids" out the window as he drove off.
The next stage was a well organised mission with one goal.
A kid had to fill up the gato with water. Another pulled scissors from Lachy's bag along with a small bowl and began to chop the plant up. I'd never seen weed or how it was to be prepared and I was lost as to what was going on.
The process became so hardwired into my nervous system I will probably be able to do it on my deathbed...
It was then that I noticed a cigarette was added to the chop. My mind was screaming no. I hated smoking as both my parents did it and I resented their stupidity. My mum always said if she caught me smoking she would kill me.
Kids don't do what they're told, they do what they're shown.
"What's the cigarette for?" I inquired.
Jacked turned to look at me, I was scared I had shown my innocence.
"It helps make the weed burn more even." He said, as if it were obvious.
The preparations were complete.
"Choppers privilage." Said Jake, the one who chopped up.
He packed this strange device with the product and effortlessly pulled a cone as it was termed.
Next was Jacks turn. I couldn't help notice I had smelt that smoke before, late at night when dad was watching the football.
And then it was handed to me...
"What do I do?" I asked, trying to hide my nerves.
They treated me as one would an apprentice. Breaking it into steps of packing the cone piece and how to operate the shotty, a small hole that allowed air to clear the chamber. It felt quite scientific and challenging.
I did as was told, and after a long inhale the hot smoke filled my lungs. I held it for a moment and exhaled. I had always had a good lung capacity from spearfishing with my dad.
They congratulated me, and I honestly felt proud of my efforts even though I didn't feel any different.
I was scared of the outcome though, could I overdose? Was I going to start laughing hysterically?
The bong was passed around the circle until it was my turn again.
This time I packed it far more generously than before. My head felt light, but I was unsure if this was as a result of the smoke or simply a placebo effect. I wanted to get a larger dose this time, just to be sure.
This time I wasn't so successful. I inhaled a huge amount of smoke resulting in a coughing fit.
The others laughed, they themselves had been in the same situation during their turns, except for a couple of must have been seasoned veterans.
I suddenly felt it, hard and fast. I was stoned as well as receiving a pretty big nicotine hit at the same time.
My head spun and my vision brightened, as if the Sun had been revealed from behind thick clouds. I smiled as the rest of the group unwound as one. They proceeded to talk about nothing as I entered my own world.
I lay back, the grip of an unknown and unnoticed anxiety loosened from my mind. I felt calm, my mind truly still for the first time ever.
It had begun. Without knowing it, I'd found a way to self medicate.
I blissfully entertained thoughts for the next who knows how long.
Thinking of how I had never imagined dabbling with drugs, and how much trouble I could get in if I was caught. How my mother would disapprove and how much I didn't care.
I wondered how anything that makes you feel this relaxed could do any harm... I had never heard of the term "gateway drug" before, but even if I had I don't think it would have stopped me.
It were as if it had to happen. Was it fate to experience these terrible yet formative years of my life, all starting with that first inhale?
"What if you become addicted?" A voice far within whispered.
It brought me back to reality. I looked around at the group and noticed we had all adopted the same introspective mood. I could tell a couple of them were even growing slightly anxious.
"Hey how about we go and get some food?" I suggested with a beaming smile. Seven sets of glassy red eyes gazed back at my own in agreement. I felt so confident in my speech, as if it didn't matter what anyone thought of what I had to say.
It was a new feeling for me, one that I would chase for years to come.
We made our way to the local hot chip store and my new friends offered to buy me food. I agreed though I strangely didn't feel hungry.
Once we started eating, I couldn't stop! My first experience of the munchies.
By this stage the affect of the weed was far less pronounced.
I was growing tired and so was Liam. I called my dad and got him to head over to pick me up. We said goodbye to the crew and agreed to meeting them that night at the movies. I couldn't believe it, hanging with the cool kids.
Dad picked us up, he was eager for his afternoon drink and didn't ask questions. I was grateful every time he postponed his drinking to safely drive me around.
Liam was dropped off, and we headed home. When we got there I fell into bed and had the best sleep of my life.
In hindsight, when I woke it were as if a new me had been revealed to the world. A part of my innocence was still hibernating within. Replaced with grandiosity. I thought I was a bad ass.
My thoughts were loud however, and I grew more anxious about going to the movies. What if I didn't fit in with them sober?
I ended up calling it off with the excuse of exhaustion.
This is how it started
I'm going to share this story in installments. They shaped me into who I am now and though I am not proud of them, I am proud of who I became. Please follow if you would like to gain a better insight into my upbringing and the most challenging moments of my life.
I hope they empower, encourage and in some way support others who are in or have been in similar situations.
I want to thank 
Yours, with Purpose