Reminds me it's me being realistic to feel a harsh situation. That is why I feel sad and down but not really get sad and down...it's cause I know how great and awesome the situation and life can be!! Oh but it's easy to exaggerate and build things up in your mind when ya feel down. I try not to do that cause it adds to unnecessary drama.
When I get courage to speak and uplift myself many others may not feel my enthusiasm. I found it easy to get bummed when I'm trying to express or explain and experience social blockages. I had a problem growing up after highschool with people my own age. There were none around in the small towns! I spent time with younger people and I do enjoy doing that. Young people are more open and not so opinionated trying to be an adult. It's just the punk shit that grinds my gears. When you spend time with someone in a group of 2 or 3 you can feel a close bond. It's when my friends hung out with their drug friends it became a stupid situation. They changed their personality around their party friends. I had to let them know I didn't like their friends. And of course friends don't like friends badmouthing their other friends. So I had to separate myself from the group but not the individual people.
That was difficult for me. Sometimes you want to hold someone in high esteem and then hear offensive types of things they say around other people..it can make ya lose heart. My time is precious and life is sacred. Don't want to waste time playing a role or engaging myself in a haze ritual to try to prove how cool I am. It is depressing when people around don't take care of themselves, drug abuse, nihilistic life views etc. There is nothing you can say or do and you don't want to stick around. I basically started refusing to see any pals in their night life. I'd rather see them during the day when they are at their best.
When I get isolated and stressed is when I build up things in my mind and kinda really freak out. The rude things people have said stick in my mind more. I realise how precarious a situation I'm in and know most of these people are unable to help. I must escape the negativity. It's okay to dwell on it as long as I don't start pretending to believe names people call me and things they say about me. If I'm unhappy with what I perceive as drug abuse I get called a hypocrite for smoking cigarrettes and drinking beers. But I'm not drinking until I vomit like the party kids do. I'm not doing coke and ketamin and acting like it's such cool shit. I hate all that. I got called party pooper and I'm thinking What!? you call that a party!? It's okay to feel the rage at the stupid behaviors but it's too pathetic to hate. Still I get enraged. I still tell people what's on my mind and how I feel even if they act ignorant. I don't treat them mean but freak them out with some of what I say.
In the end I know I'm better alone with my schtick and philosophy and have to wait to see if they can catch up. I can't go to them, they have to come to me. The truth is that my stress and depression comes from me knowing how good things can be and scratching my head and anti-social behavior. I call them anti-social social circles. People being anti-social together - I can't be a part of that. I get angry cause I used to get bullied and I see drug behavior and most parties as hazing and bullying. What I like to do is host my own gathering. When people do come around they have a good time! I have a knack of bringing people together!
I have allot of energy and I want to use it for positivity and creativity. I don't want to grind around wasting my energy. I don't like the cabin fever I've experienced in life either. I want to add to the community, build something, create something. Sometimes when I feel sad I find it hard to get motivated. I sometimes push myself a little to create when I don't feel like it. I always seem to feel better after. Even writing a simple blog like this one. Underneath it all I feel a powerful energy to embrace life. I don't want to hide it. Allot of the social life dampened it down. The current society and monetary dampened it down. But it didn't kill my spirit. These circumstances didn't get rid of it. I still have the ultimate passion there...it just need an appropriate time and place to bloom and shine. The light is coming out more and more, little by little. Eventually it will be allot!
I'm still not completely satisfied talking about how feeling pain and depression make me see how great and wonderful life is too! I will get back to that soon. I think this writing layed down some basic framework of where I'm coming from. Good times! I'm glad I'm thinking and feeling and writing it out!!
