Any codependent behavior boils down to one simple question - it's a matter of personal human boundaries. The way we have been taught to feel and recognize them, determine our future life, and the way we build relationships.
If the boundaries of the individual violated in every possible way in our family - openly and secretly, we will also behave in any other way. For another example, we did not.
I want to talk about the processes in the relationship, which can be hidden and little recognizable, but which together greatly influence the way we feel closer to the other.
If physical violence, rudeness, boorishness, open conflict can be seen a mile away (and everything is clear: in a relationship of some crisis, abscess, with him it is important to do something about it), that is manipulation, which is not visible, and from this we can suffer much more.
It is a co-dependent relationship, which suggests in its database relations between the two are very vulnerable and immature individuals that can survive only in coupling with each other.
When it comes to a healthy person, integrated (as is possible for a person, because we all have our wounds), then such a person will be sensitive to any breaking of boundaries - and bright, apparently, illegal - hidden.
So, the ways in which we can manipulate each other, if you feel bad, and their borders:
1. When another bad - an urgent need to help him.
You can strive to do it yourself, or feel that you are turning so others. And if at this moment you are somehow emotionally vulnerable, not in the resource and need support - this type of intervention can be very happy. Yes Yes. It's so nice to someone alleviate pain or vice versa - to be those who facilitate them. Moreover, without a request or appeal, and - by itself, like magic!
However, there is a catch.
Whoever helps, she begins to feel absolute power over those who are helping. As a supplement to the law - the one who helps, begins to feel deep gratitude and a kind of feeling that is in captivity. Although sweet captivity ...
Naturally, none of this couple does not clarify what needs to be different, whether it wants to order something else or what else. Everything just is, without clarification. But inevitably (yes, it is inevitable!) After a while there is some severity - and one, and the second. First partner annoying (you need all the time to control to another was all good, and this is very cumbersome), the second - scary and even terrible (in fact it may at any time give up, not stand and move away, leaving alone with him And he. had already so accustomed!).
If people have broken the sensitivity, they are able to recognize these aspects and to notice their own boundaries and responsibilities. During his life - in the first place. And leave the responsibility for the life of the partner himself.
How not to fall for this trap?
Here, the most effective way - it is your feeling. All that can only recognize - even a headache, though the feeling that "something is wrong", even just a slight stupefaction in the head. Sometimes - a sharp desire to drink, smoke or eat (as, in general, is full). Usually, people with co-dependent patterns senses dulled, they recognize their weak.
Therefore, it is necessary to focus on bodily sensations. If you find yourself lingering confusion (or that "something is wrong") - immediately suspend all processes. Do not take care, and do not have it. Pause. And ask yourself: I'm worried about at the moment? What annoys me? What I want to happen? What I want to avoid? It is important to bring yourself to yourself - by any means.
2. We were so close to each other - as a whole. And in a moment all is lost!
Kontrzavisimosti people - the same dependent, only the counter. That is, with the sign "minus". They do not "stick" to the object depending They sharply "pulled out" of contact with another, as soon as uchuyut that they lose a sense of themselves. It has nothing to do with personal freedom, but only to attempt to get rid of the fear of absorption, Ran to the desired distance.
But inside, it is also important affection and intimacy, as well as all people. Even more, it is very important. They all tend to her soul, and with all my heart it scared. These too are contradictory ...
Therefore, on the one hand, they are desperately looking for someone warm, gentle and accepting the other - fleeing desperately from him as soon as the start to get long-awaited tenderness and love.
Paradoxically, sad, sad. But the fact.
If a number of people with a tendency to codependency behaviors (addict prosecution) - the sudden disappearance kontrzavisimosti partner cause pain. And codependent begins frantically to catch up and return to their "runaway half" (half of it, because such relationships are not a priori identity integrity). The process is cyclical. Kontrzavisimosti otbezhit at a safe distance, peredohnet, and begin to miss the person with whom it was so good! I will try to go back, but then "jump" in the absorption of horror. A codependent again feel severe pain.
What should pay attention here
If you so do or you do this - try to note the experiences that occur during sudden rapprochement and a sharp break. Try to observe your motives when you "with all my heart" reach for, in fact, little-known man. Try to notice the feelings that are experiencing a sharp due to cutting - pain, rage, resentment? Or - a strong relief, but also a deep loneliness?
In any case, if your feelings are charged, the amplitude of the energy in the body is high (that is, you are emotionally wildly worked up - no matter from "intoxication other" or fury) - this means that "codependency program" started working. This means that your identity is psychologically very hungry and forced to work on the strong speed, because it is very needed, strong and long-frustrated needs.
3. Provocation competition for a partner
How do I attach to the person himself, with a weak sense of self-value, of which I have many times "saved" many tribulations, well and truly treated him, impressed and admired them, and it had got a very great power over him? Yet several times I sharply rejected it - avoiding intimacy.
Very simple. Add to this a wonderful cocktail "flavor" - a provocation competition!
I will tell you a lot about your relationship with others - women, men. I'll do it ", as it were just telling, sharing of experience." But, I will enclose in "a barrel of honey - a drop of poison." Inadvertently, I will compare our and those relationships. Or are people to whom you are angry, I will justify.
I will strongly provoke something that you felt the need to fight for me. And still nobody.
I will casually insinuate you that "you're not the only one I have," and even more ruthlessly ... you easily replace! At the same time, non-verbally, to provide such favors, which they say the opposite: that you are for me - everything!
What should pay attention to?
When you eat a delicious and sweet cake, but still very hungry, or maybe just have not eaten sweet and soooo wanted this cake! And here comes some wormhole ... I do not know pepper or a piece of red hot pepper. Or maybe something just very rude and nasty ... and the mind, which is so inspired by this welcome cake, wants to miss this unpleasant event - this pepper ... Well, of course - it was so good, and then ... Maybe it seemed to me?
That is something that certainly is important to pay attention: the idea arises in the mind: it seemed to me! Perhaps it will be not a thought, but just tears in his eyes - and it would seem that the "just upset, it is not known from what." Or some unknown irritation or feeling of irrelevance, which brains ascribe "my personal cockroaches." That's all it is very important to pay attention. These "signs" - is the key, which reveal the manipulation. Thanks to them, there is a chance to change codependent patterns. If you find something like that - again - take a break in communication. Increase the distance. And a closer look at your feelings with your therapist.
You may ask, what about conditional "healthy person" would react to such illegal hacking borders?
I will say this. The first, relatively healthy person will all cause for concern! From the very beginning! Especially - another attempt to dramatically and quickly enter into confidential contact, telling many details about his personal history, asking about the history of the other, are actively taking care of the other, or vice versa - without noticing it much and ignoring (or something, and then - alternately). And so on the script.
Alertness and, accordingly, maintaining a safe distance, healthy irritation attempts boundaries hacking - these are the feelings experienced relatively healthy person (I say conditionally - as the completely healthy, as you know, does not happen) at a meeting with a person demonstrating the co-dependent or kontrzavisimosti patterns of behavior. You can also feel the tenderness, sadness, sorrow, regret, helplessness. On average, the intensity range.
Any type of affects infinite tenderness, bewildering sexual excitement or wild fury! Affective reactions always mark an accomplished "coupling" of two vulnerable and needy people.
