I came across the title for this post while reading an article in Psychology Today about falling in love and it just struck me as very interesting. The article itself argued that we tend to fall for what we imagine we see in another person than what is actually there. We see what we'd like to see and all that.
And it's only natural to do so, if you think about it, because that initial phase of falling in love happens quite early on, when you don't really know all that much about your partner or prospective partner. You're still under many, many illusions and you fill the lagoons in your knowledge of someone how you know best.
You give him/her attributes that you hope they can live up to and, as is often the case, end up disappointed that they did not live up to all those wonderful qualities you'd imagined for them in the beginning. Obviously, you shouldn't be disappointed because those qualities are based off an idealized vision of your perfect partner. Naturally, the person you're actually seeing can't possibly live up to that, so this perceived value ends up hurting you and possibly, the other person.
And yet, what's most fascinating to me is that despite this obvious lacking, it is precisely these perceived values that govern how we think and behave, largely. And not just in love, it's far more general than that.
We are lead in life by our desires. I wrote before about how our desires define who we are at present, where we go, how we act and interact with other human beings. So let's take a second to look at what those desires might be. We'll exclude love for obvious reasons.
But say you want a better job, a higher ranking in the office. Why? Because of the pay, obviously, because you imagine it would make your colleagues and friends respect you more. Because you imagine, quite simply, that it would make you happier than you are at present. You want the better job because of its perceived value. Very rarely, we want it because of what it actually entails. You don't want to become a doctor or a lawyer because of what it means, of what you'd be doing in that position. Sure, that's a part of it, but a huge chunk is the status you think it would give you in society, the respect you'd be awarded, the pay that may allow you to lead a good life. You want it for the nice house in the suburbs that you envision, the car, the fancy holidays. You want it because of the person you would be if you had that job. And thus, because of its imagined value.
Same with cars. Or clothes or basically anything else money can buy. We want them because of the value we imagine they have and that value is in truth, happiness.
Obviously you want a Swarovski diamond because it's expensive also and so says something about your own (monetary) value. But mainly, you want it because you see yourself wearing it and in that vision in your head, you're smiling. Because let's be serious, who imagines themselves in a Lambo, or with a Swarovski diamond frowning?
You don't want the diamond itself, you want the happiness you think it would bring you. That's its perceived value.
In the same way you want the happiness of a prospective partner. I'd like to be with you because whenever I think of us together, I see us smiling and being happy and doing fun things. I don't want to be with you because of how you might hurt me. Who the hell would want that?
And the question that's bothering me is – is this perceived value good or bad? Because technically, it should be good. We're told you should always strive for more, for better. That you should never be content with what you have – not the job, not the car and definitely not the partner. We're very much encouraged to treat our life as a sort of game, advancing to a higher level and unlocking a new thing.
And whereas a game ends, your life does not. Well, it does, that's the sad part, but the game you think you're playing – that's endless. You don't ever same the princess from her tower. You don't win because there's no way you can win, that's how the game is designed, to keep you playing. Because God forbid you turn off the console and just go out and enjoy yourself.
So, maybe this perceived value isn't so good for us after all. After all, it's becoming obsessive, driving us way over a healthy point of want. We desire people because of who we imagine they are and we tend to ignore the diamonds all around us, because we have not given the same value to them, though this distribution of value is purely luck based. Something attracted me to you – a very probably misleading something – and so I assume you're a great guy. Nothing attracted me to X, even though he is the great guy I'm looking for.
I want X job even though I'd work more hours and probably wouldn't like it very much. And even though I'd be much better suited for another job entirely. You see how these perceived values fuck with us?
Well, you can't, because we're the ones who perceive these values and thus, entirely responsible. If you're continually chasing something else, always imagining how cool this or that would be, you need to adjust the way you think. You need to learn to attribute value where it is deserved, not where you'd like it to be.
