I have experienced gaslighting multiple times and from people I deeply love. This act is more than a misunderstanding between two people-more than a failure of narratives to line up. It is the insistence that there can only be one narrative and one person in control of it. It is commonly used, in and out of abusive relationships, on purpose and by accident. It is used frequently in apologies. For example, a person may apologize for something they've done, making it sound significant while undermining significance through word choices/phrasing (see: Trump responding to his own statements about sexually assaulting women).
The goal of gaslighting is to make the receiver feel bad for having felt bad, to doubt themself. It is often followed by the use of shaming language that puts the gaslighter in a position of control, such as apologizing to the receiver while putting them down. Essentially, it is a pretense at vulnerability without taking responsibility or assuming vulnerability. Often with the goal of later showing off "kindness" to continue the forced perception of singular reality beyond the initial incident and relationship by performing their apology publicly, even after checking with the receiver and being asked not to. This contributes to the same they are building.
Another tactic is constantly trotting out lists of what they have done for you with the strong implication that something is owed even though they are saying you owe nothing. Sometimes they will profess their lists publicly under the guise of friendship and making you look good. This persists until you trot out your own list to prove you have been there because they are actively devaluing you to the point it is impossible for you to be as "good" as them within your relationship. They then accuse you of being competitive or of devaluing them by forcefully elevating yourself and denying them their moment/feelings/experience. Basically, they twist it until you wonder if you are gaslighting them. Cue the downward spiral of self-doubt.
This can happen with strangers. There are no boundaries. Trump is doing it to the world.
At one point, My husband and I even determined gaslighting was happening within our relationship. We worked to remove it and some patterns of codependency to establish a better partnership. We've had success because we both articulated our needs, heard each other and paid close attention to each other's boundaries. When we became parents, we developed a system to "tap out" when we reached our personal limits and never shamed each other for needing a break. This continues. We are successful because we recognize that we are both having separate experiences of the same events. I have worked hard to steer clear of codependent relationships ever since.
I'm so happy to be safe in my partnership, and even happier to be able to spot gaslighting when it happens to me. It has taken every ounce of self-love I have to remove myself from harmful relationships--the most toxic are with those who know the lingo of being abused and use it against me.
One fault of mine has been to allow pressure and the repeat overstepping of clear boundaries to continue instead of moving away from relationships. Both for my safety and the safety of whoever I love enough to keep trying to find safety with as my spouse and I were able to do. Because you can keep trying to communicate, but resolution may not always be the right option. Especially if the person you are trying to communicate with continues lashing out to trump you, to try to feel and appear bigger by making you feel or appear smaller.
You are good and strong. I see you.
For myself, I am choosing to hear my intuition and honor it in place of ignoring what my brain knows to be true no matter how much my heart wants it to be false. I can love everyone, but that doesn't mean I can relate with everyone. Whatever happens, I will continue practice compassionate communication, even with those who try to hurt me.
I am good and strong. I see me.
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