Surviving a Mental Illness - Depression
God, I am tired of this. Please end my life so I can find rest with you.
Those are the exact words I uttered in the hope of finding an end to the vicious battle inside my brain.
On my previous posts, I have shared the pain and struggles I am going through. One post is "When letting go is not easy, ask God", where I narrated the most painful event that happened to me in 2017 -which I hope you will find inspiring than sad.
How are you surviving?
This has been one of the FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) whenever I share my story. If love moves in mysterious ways as the song line says it - a song originally sung by Julia Fordham which was popularized by Nina here in the Philippines - God, on the other hand, works more mysteriously that none can fathom. I asked him death as a solution but he answered me in a different way.
When God started meddling in my battle
I would have to admit, without his grace and love I could have been long gone now. Luckily, I encountered him and here I am sharing a wonderful testimony to everyone on a wonderful platform, Steemit (yes, I am thankful that this has been a medium for me to release my pain).
Did I win the battle? NO! I am still fighting and surviving with God on my side. God equipped me with the best armor to survive but I will only elaborate on one part of the armor. The other parts will be on a different post, which I hope you will follow through.
The most important part of the armor
Among the many parts of an armor, I know you will agree with me that the most important is the helmet and the breastplate. That is where the vital organs are situated and if exposed, one shot will kill you. We will focus on the breastplate where it protects mostly, the heart.
The Breastplate
Having no breastplate is like a soldier asking for death, as any attack could instantly become fatal. With a sturdy breastplate, attacks become futile as any blow will just bounce off.
The breastplate represents my boy friend. God placed him in my life to help me survive.
"Because of great love, one is courageous." -Lao Tzu
Through him I found the courage to continue; he is light in the darkness and a hope amidst chaos. It is still a mystery how someone as beautiful as him embraced me even at my worst. He ignored the complexity and loved me in all possible way. No matter how hard I pushed him away, he kept on coming back and reminded me that I am not alone.
He looked deep into my eyes and understood my pain. He took the risk and entered my life. Now we are 4 years and 3 months together and eversince, he never showed me any regrets.
The best feeling in life is when you feel that someone is there for you; someone who can love you and carry the burden with you. He is one of the reasons why I am surviving. He is the breastplate that protected my heart from the feeling of emptiness-being alone.
I am forever grateful to God for placing him in my life; someone who made my journey lighter. Love is indeed the best weapon, and at the same time the best armor to wear in times of desolation.
Ending life is tempting, until you found a reason to live. Let me end this with a quote from Lao Tzu. I hope you will also find strength and courage to survive whatever battle you are going through, like how I found love through him.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu
