I am stressed up. So stressed up I am just sitting on my squeaky bed, staring blankly at the mouldy plates of rice rotting away in a bucket at the corner of my room.
What have I done this time that she went offline? What have I done God and gods?
Okay, let me brief the rest of you, my nosy perfumed friends of my actions in these past few weeks.
So, this past few weeks I landed a gorgeous online girlfriend. And we have been exchanging numerous love-riddled messages. Some of you think I am creative? Well, you haven't seen me describe the love I had for this mysterious love.
And so we decided that we will get married in a private invites-only wedding at a serene setting on the shores of one of these nice lakes God has blessed Kenya with.
We even discussed the dowry and decided that since she is currently pursuing her prestigious degree in animal husbandry and cattle dip management, a meagre dowry of 25 female, none less than 2 years old, cows would be a welcome consolation to her parents.
And then I realised we had ignored a very integral part of this relationship. I did not have the slightest idea how her pretty face was looking like. And so I humbly requested her to send me a pictorial representation of her gorgeous self.
And she did!! I held my breath, ladies and gentlemen for the 2 decades that the photo was taking to download on my phone. And when it finally did, I was breathless. And in respiratory distress.
She was everything I have ever wanted, not so tall, meek sleepy eyes, long eyelashes, little succulent lips carefully pursed as if to protect her sticky lipstick from the hazards of a dusty road and a voluptuous body that would send Vera Sidika and Risper Faith scampering into thin air.
It is only 2 hours later that I noticed she looked just like Alicia Keys.
So I asked for another photo before I commit to this relationship with the relative of such a renowned celebrity. And she sent it, and I was smitten. I started working out the logistics of children, the number - seven would be a decent number, and it also increases the chances of having a superkid with my brains and her looks and Alicia Keys' talent.
Against my better judgement, I excitedly went to inform Curtis to start preparing for his role as my best man just 6 years from now.
The enemy of development asked me to set one more test for my new jewel before he would confirm his presence at the wedding.
And so, last Sunday I asked my online rib if there was a newspaper vendor close to her place and she said there was. I asked if her camera was working well and whether it could take clear photos and she said that would be no problem.
And so I asked her to take a photo of herself holding that day's, last Sunday's, newspaper. She hasn't answered any of my texts ever since.
Was I asking for too much from my Alicia keys-like online throb to just take a photo of herself holding the day's newspaper? Maybe she didn't like the cover story of the newspaper. Maybe she just likes to buy newspapers several days after they are out. Thanks to Curtis, I will never know.
Oh, and in other news, Skyler answered one of my texts. I am currently giving an exclusive to the standard newspaper (a local newspaper print) before the much anticipated press conference that I will be holding before the sun sets in the East.