Cutting out toxic people gets talked about enough,
Lets talk about how to add good people and make good friends
After all, that is what we all really want more than anything else
Foremost, You Must be Brave
I dont say that lightly,
removing negative people from your life takes courage
But then you have to deal with talking to NEW people, and building relationships, and potentially being disappointed
You must overcome this fear
Second, you have to recognize your impostor syndrome,
This is the feeling that comes when you are trying to improve yourself, but you feel like you're faking it
=an impostor
This can stop you from talking to people, as you're not being "real"
Third, and perhaps most critical,
Where do you actually GO to meet people?
This is where you're all going to cringe, because its going to require you to get out of your room, out of your house, and out SOCIALIZING
Making friends online is easy, because you can "meet" people many places online, send messages, and strike up conversation.
I consider all of you my friends
But, physical world is where it counts, we all wish our internet friends were our real life friends
So where do you go to "meet" people and "socialize"?
There are not any hacks to this, we dont need to reinvent the wheel here
Where are places where people congregate?
-Gyms
-bars
-parks
-dog parks
-Yoga studios and other kinds of fitness places
-coffees shops
-meetups
-social clubs
How do you meet people at these places?
You talk to them.
I know some of you are screaming internally at this, but its true
Someone mentioned bookstores, them as well
This is where basic social skills come into play that unfortunately many people simply lack
This is the art of "small talk"
Saying hello, asking someone their name, and striking up simple conversation
Lets do this, since maybe it might help some of you
Imagine you are ME. You're confident, and you have zero hesitation in talking to people, none at all, imagine that in my ind
When you go out, you talk to people, all the time
You talk to the person that checks you in at the gym
You talk to the barista
You talk to the person that sits down at a bar or table next to you
You talk to the person standing next to you at the book store
"hello, how are you"
And you MEAN IT
Sometimes people don't answer
Sometimes they do though, and you talk
-Do you live around here?
-Do you come here often?
-Whats your dogs name?
You pay people compliments on whatever stands out to you about them
Here is the "secret" to being perceived as friendly and people talking to you
You TALK TO THEM FIRST
Then they dont feel awkward speaking to you
Its the irony of shyness
Everyone wishes someone would talk to them,
But everyone is too scared to do it
When you talk to people, you PAY ATTENTION TO THEM
This is what "listening" is, its paying attention to people
The person is your only focus
This unfortunately uncommon,
But when you do it, you'll find people often light up immediately
Listening is not complicated
Eye contact
You listen to what theyre saying
You dont wait to talk
Thats listening.
The best listeners never lose interest in you, and you feel comfortable speaking to them
Here is what will happen as you talk to more people
-Some people wont want to talk to you, and thats fine
-Some people will talk, but you wont particularly enjoy talking to them
-Some people you'll find that you really connect with, and its instantaneous
Which brings us to the core issue
-Meeting "Good" people requires that you meet people in general
and this is not happening without first talking to many people and developing a feel for people over time
If you're still following along, lets assume you've accepted that you'll need to be brave and you're going to push yourself to talk to people
How do you "make friends" then?
This is predicated on where you meet people
Gyms are easy places to talk people, because you're there for the same reason
Anything thats a physical or mental pursuit where people gather, you can can assume you're around like minded people
This gives you something natural to bond over
Asking someone to hang out outside of these circles is what the challenge is
Simple tip that could change your life
-Invite the person to something that you were already going to do
Asking someone to "hang out" can sound stupid.
Inviting someone to something else is easy and natural
"Im going to X spot later, want to meet?"
"I go to Y on weekends, you ever go there?"
"Im checking out Z place, want to join me?"
This especially works well for men, as male friendships and bonding are demonized, and constantly labeled as latent homosexuality.
For the gentlemen, I cannot recommend fight gyms enough as a place to meet fellow bros
BJJ, boxing, just pick something & go
I must add to all this
-Assuming you're not a hardcore atheist and anti-theist person
Church is the BEST place to meet people
Or shul
Or the mosque
There's a reason that worship and religion was the glue that held communities together for all of history
So if you've been wandering and your relationship with god and your faith has been lacking
That should be an option for you
(if you're scoffing at this, unfollow me. I despise self righteous heathens)
Other ideas
- if you're feeling isolated wherever you live and want to meet people, considering hosting your own meetup
Again, be brave
That human interaction is so paralysis inducing for so many people is a sad thing
Isolation is a kind of cowardice
If you're a member of a large online community, consider seeing where people live, and if anyone lives close by
You might be surprised that you have friends that are closer by than you think
I probably should have covered what constitutes a good friend and how to recognize good friendships
But I'll save that for the next article