This post is about how I made the ‘honest mistake’ of sending $40 worth of dash to myself, the resulting guilt and lessons learnt.

First, a brief story

I am part of a team committed to promoting the adoption and use of cryptocurrency in my country, Nigeria. Yesterday, we were at an event where we were supposed to send $5 each to about 100 different people cumulating to $500. This money was provided for by sponsors who wanted to encourage people adopt crytpocurrency. I was sent $200 dollars worth of dash and asked to send to about forty people (depending on the current price of dash).

While I was sending, I thought to myself that this was some fine opportunity to score some free dash. So I sent myself 0.05 dash, which at the time worth $40. My thinking was simple; this was free money to given to all those who were interested. Surely it wouldn't hurt to sequester some of it for myself.

Later that day, as the team leader drove me home, he asked for my dash wallet. He wanted to take screen-shots of all of the transfers I made that day for accountability. Now, I didn’t expect that. I thought it was free money, free to give to anyone. As he scrolled though the records, he noticed the unusual transfer. At the time, I was transferring 0.0067 dash ($5) and a transfer of 0.05 was sure to stick out like a giant amongst ants. When I was questioned, I replied that it was a mistake. I lied.

I lied primarily because I was ashamed. I had just taken what didn’t belong to me. I just cheated. I just stole. While I tried to maintain my cool, deep inside I was drowning in the rivers of shame and regret. I just became a thief for mere $40.

Throughout the ride home, I kept quiet, trying trying to come up with an explanation for my actions. I felt dirty and untrustworthy. I’m inclined towards atheism so it wasn’t about fear of God or hell. I just had this keen awareness that I had betrayed principles that made me human, that gave me my very essence and defined me. I had just sold myself for $40.
Immediately I arrived home, I transferred the 0.05 dash to my team leader and sent him what you can see in the picture below.

Lessons learnt

There is no such thing as an honest mistake.

I know I called it an honest mistake; but that’s was just to reduce the anguish I feel any time I think about it. Truth is that I was consumed by greed. I saw an opportunity to covet free dash and I took it without deep reflection. It made me think of all of the times I have acted based on external influences.

As humans, we are prone to make decisions based on seemingly opportunities/ choices we find ourselves with. When it turns out we made the wrong choice, we sometimes call it an honest mistake. But it isn't always honest. The deed has been done; we must learn to admit it no matter the emotional anguish/guilt that comes with it.

It takes courage to admit one’s flaws/wrong doings.

To be honest, I still berate myself over my inability to admit my theft during the ride. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew I was in the wrong. Following what he told me in the car, I knew failure to account for the 0.05 could land my team leader in trouble with the sponsors. I knew the right thing to do but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Thinking about it now, it seems there is sense of pride in everyone of us. We always try to preserve this pride, this sense of dignity. I couldn’t bring myself to admit my wrong because I didn’t want to be looked upon as a thief. Probably, I was scared of a backlash. I didn’t want to be treated as someone with no character.

Humans always put their best face first.

This is a continuation of the previous point, albeit from a different angle. The incidence had just exposed the greediness in me and I wasn’t ready to expose it to public glare. Contrary to popular standards, I don’t believe humans can be strictly defined into categories of good and bad. I believe everyone of us have a fine blend of flaws and virtues.

However, for some reason, we are always keen to put our good side first. Maybe it is something from evolution, years upon years of trying to win societal acknowledgement and appreciation. We look for what sells us more and put it up as our best (and sometimes) only) face. In my case, I wasn’t ready to admit that I was susceptible to greed. Unfortunately, like every human, I am.

Growth stems from weakness.

Between yesterday and today, I believe I have gotten stronger. This is true in three aspects. First, I have realised a new weakness. I have never thought I could be pushed to take what doesn't belong too me; I’ve always condemn it. Today proves that I am not immune to it; that given the right pressure and motivation, my resolve might begin to crack.

This leads to the second point: I know how to deal with it. I didn’t admit to my wrong because I was scared it would go public. It never will. I would simply say I made the mistake of sending 0.005 dash instead of 0.005 dash. I could attribute it to stress, pressure, my failing eyesight, anything. Rather, I admitted my wrong because it is who I am. That’s where I find the strength to make right decisions. It is what makes up my essence. I do not deny my weakness, I only balance them with my virtues.

Lastly, I have a peace of mind. For me, peace, love and happiness are principal things. Every other thing pales in comparison. This peace comes from the courage to do what I think is right regardless of what happens next. I could have received a backlash or even suffer expulsion from the team but I would have a peace of mind. That for me is worth more than a million bitcoins.

Why did I post this?

First, writing has a therapeutic effect on me. It helps me streamline my thoughts and critically examine my feelings. While writing this, I have reinforced principles I am determined to live by and connected with my feelings as well.

I shared this because I want others to be aware of my experiences. Perhaps, they can relate to this, perhaps, my views are wrong, perhaps, there is a better way to deal with these things. I can never know if I never try to find out.

So kindly let me know what you think in the comment section below.

This is Gracious Egedegbe (don’t even try to pronounce it), taking a firm stand for truthfulness, peace and courage.

Pixabay provided the picture

Blessings