Chivalry is the word which describes the tendency to show kindness especially towards the feminine gender.
I would love to give voice to the conversation on Chivalry, especially as it has resurfaced with the comments of Chimamanda Adichie.
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For as long as I can remember, I have always viewed chivalrous acts with skepticism. I think it was in 2012 or 2011 in my former Facebook account that I shared something on Chivalry and had very interesting contributions from friends there. I still hold those opinions till date and that's why I am joining this conversation.
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Chivalry as we know does not equate kindness. That a man holds out a door or chair for me does not mean he is kind or treats me as a human deserving of respect. It is possible to have someone who mistreats me physically, psychologically and emotionally do all those acts because he thinks it makes him a 'gentleman' or just to assuage his public conscience.
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When you look at the root/history of chivalry, you see that it is stemmed from the belief that women are weak or fragile or dainty. The motive is questionable. It is purely performative, having no tangible contributions to the life of the recipient. It does not mean I am considered worthy or equal. It doesn't even translate to courtesy. There's nothing empowering about it.
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I have shared here once how my one constant need and requirement in a partner was kindness, not just to me alone or because I am his woman, but to others around him. Kindness is something I'll never compromise on, and every day I am thankful for this decision. My man holds the door not just for me alone but others, including men. The first time I saw him do it, I fell more in love. He pulls out seats for everyone, if we have a group outing. His kindness is not gendered. It is for everyone who is in his immediate space It is his second nature. We have never had this conversation before but he is one of the kindest persons I have met on my journey on earth.
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Kindness should not be gendered. I should not just hold the door open for the person coming after me just because that person is a woman. I should extend that consideration to a man, as well. I should not stand up from my seat just because it is a woman and I consider her weak but I should do same for my brother. I should treat others with consideration because that's my nature and not because I want to come across as a gentleman or to obey some man-code somewhere or become a knight to a damsel in distress who can't tie her shoe lace.
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The truth is chivalry is selective benevolence, even discriminating against certain women who don't fit into the 'acceptable or desirable' definition of women worthy of attention or this kindness. "oh see hot babe", holds door for her. "Nna see mammy water", leaves sit for her".... Like the hierarchy in what is considered beautiful, chivalry as dictated by society will only go where desirability dwells, add hierarchy of respectability to it and you already know that it's silly.
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Borrowing from a comment I made on a friend's (Justin Ebuka) wall a few months ago, I stated that what we call Chivalry is dangerous in that it reinforces these selective kindness and expectations from just one gender. It feeds on the notion that women are incapable or needy or not just able to do things for themselves. It does not address root seated bias for women. It makes no actual improvement on our lives or human condition.
We should be kind and courteous to others, gender not a condition, because it's just the humane, sane and right thing to do. Nothing complicated.
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I have had men who have held doors open for me or pulled out a seat for me but saw me as beneath them by their actions and utterances. Cut off. I have been 'pampered' and treated to fine things of life by these people yet they acted out their deep seated bias towards me because I am a woman and they consider me inferior. Cut off. Some used these acts to want to woo me over. But for me, kindness extends beyond these codes and performances. Do you consider me equal and human? Do you understand how not to use your privilege to mistreat or oppress me? Surface niceties do nothing for me. Let's dismantle everything. Being pampered or doted upon by a man is beautiful, but are you valued and seen as human, accorded respect and consideration? After the performances, what else?
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In conclusion, I agree with Chimamanda's thoughts. Just a re-echo of mine. It amuses me when people say her feminist views are radical. Maybe because she has a large platform, but rest assured that what she says is nothing new. Many of us (including me) hold more 'radical feminist views. You don't want to know the half of it. These are just everyday conversations voiced by her. Where's the fire?
Thank you for coming my way, till I return I am
Much love 😍😍
