Well………..I’m Back Knuckles cracked……fingers danced………fingers down………..typing starts……..I’m BACK!!!!!    

It has been over a month since I posted and I have missed it. I am so out of practice. This will be more of a rambling post, so please bear with me :) 

If you read my posts you know that my mother died in March and I found out in May, through not so nice means. Since that faithful day, my hubby, Hive account@erodedthoughts, and I have been to hell, the state she called home, twice. Let’s just say it was a nightmare. The baby cut two teeth on our first trip; we got lost, had an awful time, and were exhausted when we got back. However, I did find out that my mother did not hate me as previously told to me by family members. She left her bank accounts as they were before we stopped speaking, she had mementos of me up in her house, and some people I talk to, through the course of closing out her life, told me how she spoke of me. Which made my guilt much worse. 

My mother and I were very close until 2015 and I felt I was done with her. The last straw had been broken and there was no going back from what was said. I was justified in my decision as most people have told me. However, I learned through medical records that my mother was drinking heavily and addicted to pain killers. The day we spoke for the last time, she seemed fine, her normal off, but not to the point she did not know what she was saying. I found out from her doctor that she was taking 3x what she should have been taking and that she was buying what he would not give her. To say my guilt of not knowing that she needed help is an understatement. In my defense I was dealing with the loss of a child, so I believe that is why I was not 100% focused on her behavior. Plus, when she blamed me, I saw nothing but red, where she was concerned for a long time. 

You believe there will be time, time to live your dreams, to find love, to have a child, to forgive and to be forgiven; but there is not. Every second of this life is a gift and that is the main lesson I have learned from all of this. My mother through bullying, abuse, and fear told me her wishes plain and clear. She made no new Will when she had plenty of opportunity, she left her bank accounts the same, and she left me in her house. My mother told me she forgave me for not understanding her need. I hope where ever she is she knows that I forgive her as well. Through tears I write this knowing I will never be able to go shopping with her, bake with her, watch her hold me kids, yell at her, argue with her, watch her enjoy another beach day. That is all gone and it was so quick. Just yesterday I was asking her not to lay out on the porch nude, I was ignored. Just yesterday I went shopping with her and we had a usual Starbucks stop. We are walking through the isle talking about patterns, decorating, and she is buying everything red. She loved the color red; even her microwave was red.  

My mother was far from perfect and to be honest should have never been a mother. She told us that she wished she was not. She knew she was not good at it and that she wanted to live a different life. 

By the way, she got even with me for us not talking, as well. Through her Will she ,is forcing me to speak and deal with my two siblings and deal the with the man that molested me. Fun times!!!! 

As I look at my life, I have 2 major regrets; one not living home at 18 and never looking back. I believe I would have kept in touch with them, but not in the way I did. I needed to fly and they clipped my wings. I believe if I would have been able to fly, kicked out of the nest, I believe there would have been a better relationship between us. There would have never been a fight. My mother felt she should have control over me and my decisions. When I defied her that is when things got bad.  

As I look to the future of having no parents and two siblings I despise. I realize that I am running to the end of my life instead of starting at the beginning. I know that life can end quicker than it started and there is still so much I have yet to do. That is the goal over these next two years, not to just move, but to start living. I have sat for too long. My older babies are flying out of the nest in two years and mommy needs to tuck her baby babies under her arm and fly with them. I need to; I don’t want to be on that bed wishing, I want to be on that bed drawing my last breathe seeing a perfect ending to a beautiful child filled life.  

 Thank you for Reading :) I will be back full-time soon, just have a few more obstacles to overcome!!!!!