Forgiving oneself is the most important thing you can do if you really want to make the most of your life. People often talk about forgiving others, and that is important too, but there is nothing as important as forgiving oneself.
Does it sound strange to think that you even need to?
If you're like most people, there are many times you get annoyed with yourself. This can come out as a very conscious self-scolding, where you mentally criticize yourself for having done something imperfectly. Or it can be more subtle.
Some people have a running mental dialog where they say very mean things to themselves like, "Why are you so stupid?" Or "What's wrong with me?"
These are incredibly destructive questions to be asking yourself. They are worse even than an accusation, because putting it in the form of a question first assumes the insult is actually true. You would never talk to a friend that way and expect to keep the friend, so you must not talk to yourself like this either.
When more subtle it comes out in the form of simply failing to follow through on good opportunities and being attracted to scams.
You see some people who are always losing money and missing opportunities. It is because they secretly feel unworthy of happiness.
The Power of Forgiveness
We are all imperfect sometimes. Yet we are also all worthy of happiness. If we hold ourselves to an impossible standard of perfection, then of course we'll be self-critical. But if we can forgive ourselves for being imperfect in all the many ways we each are, then we can start accepting good things into our lives and refusing to tolerate abuse.
We may think that we have done something dumb that others wouldn't do, so criticize ourselves for this relative foolishness. Or we may think we are always doing the same thing, and why don't we learn better.
But the reality is that everyone does dumb things sometimes, and we all have bad habits. Habits are hard to change, and usually come from a time when the behavior was well-adapted to a dysfunctional situation. It was good for us at the time, so a wise choice, but now it is just hard to get out of the habit even though it no longer serves us.
That doesn't sound like a reason to condemn someone as worthless, bad, or hopeless to me.
It sounds like an invitation to compassion. You must have compassion for yourself and forgive that like the rest of us you've lived an imperfect life that has taught you many bad habits.
The Payoff of Forgiveness
If you can do this, you will find it easier to face more of your imperfections. This is crucial because until you are able to see something about yourself, you are unable to change it.
Bad habits can be released and good habits formed, but first you have to be able to be honest with yourself. But don't you lie to judgmental people? Don't you avoid telling them things at least, not wanting to be beaten down with their words?
Well you do the same with you critical self!
You hide things from your awareness because you're not ready to face condemnation for them.
If you can trust a gentle, compassion and forgiving self-critic though, then you can bring more of your mental/emotional patterns up to the surface. Only then can your more mature adult mind begin addressing those immature patterns and freeing you from them.
Exercise
See if you can think of something that you wish was different about yourself.
As you think about this quality or habit of yours, think of all the ways it undermines your happiness. What has it cost you having this trait?
Perhaps you tend to arrive late all the time. How has this damaged your relationships? Has it ever slowed your advancement at work? Does it make people think of you as less mature or as undependable?
Or you have a bad temper, get lots of parking tickets, or trust the wrong people.
There are all kinds of things I can easily come up with that I've seen as traits in either myself or my friends/family. I've also seen how these traits harm them, and yet the traits persist over the years.
What is a trait you have that comes with a harm to you in some way?
Once you're clear on this trait, reflect on what it would mean if you never changed this about yourself. Could you accept your life if this stayed the same?
If you can't, you aren't going to be able to even uncover other things about yourself that are harming you even more. I know I just surprised you. It seems that you must be unwilling to accept something about yourself that's harming you if your life will improve, but no.
Your inability to accept yourself as you already know you are, means you are too critical of yourself to change yourself!
Accepting yourself as you are doesn't mean you won't change. It doesn't mean you can't get better. In fact, accepting yourself as you are is the key to changing for the better!
When we forgive ourselves for being imperfect human beings (as we were designed to be) we make peace with what is. Life stops feeling like it is against us, because we stop being against ourselves.
When we work in a harmonious, supportive, loving and cooperative way with our imperfections, we are able to sew the seeds for new good habits. These new habits can take the place of old bad habits, and we can begin to see improvement in many areas of our lives.
An Example from my Life
I used to have a very bad habit of listening to sad music, just because I liked the sound and feel of it. I was addicted to the emotion of sadness, and the music stirred up those emotions quite artfully. Think of the song "Vincent" by Don McClean. Very sad song and was one of my favorites for many years!
Eventually I had to accept that I didn't want my life to continue giving me reasons to feel sad, and that in order to change that I was going to need to start cultivating happy feelings instead of sad ones. I was going to have to start seeking out entertainment that made me feel good instead of entertainment that satisfied my craving for intense sad emotions.
I was able to do this pretty easily, because there are lots of positive pop songs out there, plus purely instrumental music and spiritual music. But first I had to accept that I there was something wrong with what I was doing and see that there was a need for different decisions in my music selection if I wanted my life to get better.
Can you imagine how hard it would be though to admit to a condemning, harsh inner-critic that I was addicted to sadness!
I would have definitely hidden that from myself for many more years, if not a lifetime. Yet now I feel enough self-acceptance to even write it on the blockchain! LOL
So I invite you to enter into this exploration and find somethings about yourself that you can meet with kindness, even though you see that it's a bad trait you have. Forgive this imperfection and see if that doesn't lead to more and more clarity about ways you can in fact improve your life.
(Photo source: Pixabay)
Resteems always appreciated