Hello beautiful souls :’))
Here’s my humble post for today, I hope you’ll like it ^^
Every once in while, a thought would come into my mind and will leave me in a disturbed state. A part of me wants it so bad, but there’s also a part of me that finds it repugnant. The thought of throwing my life away.
Throwing ones life away doesn’t always mean suicide. You throw your life away by doing things you don’t like, by not achieveing your dreams, by destroying your health, by wasting your time...etc. But we never realized that.
This thought is always there, locked inside that dusty chest in a corner of that gloomy room in my mind. Sometimes, I just walk in that room led by mere curiosity triggered by that usual question « What if.. ? ».
What if I were to throw my life away? What will make me do something like that? Who will be affect by that decision of mine?
(image source: pexels.com)
There’s a lot of things that will never allow me to throw my life away. Aside from my religion, my consciousness and my family also make up that wall preventing me from commiting such atrocity. The fact that there’s people around me who’ll be affected by every decision I make is always there before my eyes.
But then again, what if I didn’t have a family? What if my parents & siblings died (May God protect them) what will happen to me? Will I be able to throw away my existence? Will I be the only one affected by that decision? Or will there be someone else who’ll be affected by my absence?
This thought, and these questions are always present there in my mind; not because I hate my life, or that I don’t have enough fate in this world; It’s just that I tried to find how great is my existence in this world . How are people’s lives connected to each other ? How can complete strangers influence each other’s lives ?!
I realized that I wasn’t the only one that thought about it. There were a lot of authors that wrote characters that bore the same questions and the same thought ! And they’d often say things like: « How great it’d be if my life were mine alone. » « How great it’d be if it were the only thing that I’ve got so I can throw it away »
Reading the likes of these thoughts makes me wonder, why would you love to own something if you’re going to throw it away ? Isn’t that selfish behavior ? And also rises inside me that deep appreciation to this existence that dead people wish to buy again with all their wealth.
I contradict myself again and again...
The thought is interesting, in my opinion, since it makes you wonder about the value of your life, but is also repugnant when someone uses it to express that his life is not worthy ..
I questioned myself quite often, « what if I couldn’t be succesful ! Will someone else be affected by my failure ? » The answer was always pretty vague. A Yes-No answer is confusing.
I tried to cut my family from that picture, and asked myself again the same question. The No became stronger in that situation. And here I thought « so that’s why people think that their lives are worthless ? » « But are they right or wrong ? » « Is throwing your life away the best thing you can think of ? »
I was lost while trying to find how to calcul my life’s worth, and who it affects.
My thoughts were pretty much dominated by a religious perspective to the matter which I totally agree with. And that's it. My train of thoughts always stops right here and I end up switching to a different subject or focusing on something else. But afterwards, I realized something else just by watching people.
(image source: pexels.com)
Still in my bed, spiraling up and down with all these thoughts and letting them swing my mood, until God's mercy saved me. My mother, came to my room and asked me to get dressed and go with her buy something.
Usually, she would just go alone & on those rare occasions when she'd ask me to go with her, I'd make up some excuse or just say it's too much hassle to get dressed only to go somewhere nearby.
But that day, she asked me & I had no excuse. We went out, bought what we needed and decided to walk around for a while.
To deal with my stress or to organize my thoughts, walking always served as a meditation for me. You just walk without destination, until you sort out that mess inside your head.
I walked slowly, or so I thought. The world around me seemed to be in slow motion. I just kept staring at people's faces, and my thoughts would drift me elsewhere. Until a beggar asked us for some money. I looked at him/her sympathetically, prayed for her/him and walked away... I didn't have a penny.
We walked for a few minutes, and saw a crippled, young man on his wheelchair. He was selling some socks & his mother was helping him out.
I was shocked at that sight! Usually, some people fake being crippled to gain people's sympathy & start begging for money. But that wasn't the case for this young man!
He was crippled,yet he worked to gain his bread & didn't ask anyone for money. It was cold outside & he's probably less fortunate than most of us. But instead of whining like some of us do, and instead of lazing around, he decided to be true to himself and live with dignity!
Despite his health, the weather & other things.. He worked hard & he was so polite & all smiles. He taught us something we rarely see nowadays "Gratitude" & "Contentment"
The young man reminded me of this verse:
"An ignorant [person] would think them self-sufficient because of their restraint, but you will know them by their [characteristic] sign. They do not ask people persistently [or at all]." (Quran: 2-273)
He was one of the people who deserve our help the most! I wished to buy all what he was selling, but as I mentioned before, I had no money on me.
After what I saw, I came to the conclusion that the reason why I couldn't find an answer to my question is because the question itself is wrong!
Instead of asking "Who would be affected by my failure?" the question should be "How many lives will my success make better?"
You don't measure your worth by failure. You should always try to do better & look at the good things you can do! Think of your family, society & the whole world as a spiderweb. The slightest movement you do moves the whole web.
Dear friend,
Your life is worth more than you think & you have a greater impact on this world even though you don't notice it.
Thank you for being alive until now! Keep fighting WARRIOR!
P.S: I'm sorry this post is a longer than usual & I'm sorry it took me more than 2 months to share it...I need to start avoiding procrastination.
Peace be upon us & upon you!