Climbing Out From The Swirling Vortex Of Despair
So, I was on the verge of one of my patented massive panic attacks the other day.
I was just minding my own business going about my day when I was struck by a familiar, overwhelming feeling of being alone.
I don't mean a microcosmic feeling of loneliness or feeling like I don't have anyone in my life.
It's more of an existential macrocosmic dread of feeling absolutely alone in the universe.
Isolated, stranded, disconnected....trapped?
It's not the first time I've felt that way.
It usually happens during restless nights of insomnia when I'm still up at 4 AM and everything is so disturbingly quiet.
Sometimes it even happens when I'm surrounded by loved ones.
I call it the "alone in a crowd feeling."
Of course, it's irrational.
It makes absolutely no sense.
But the feeling is so intense when it happens that it crushes all logic.
Maybe it's a moment of truly feeling that we are all connected as one in the universe.
And, as they say......
One is the loneliest number.
So it happened again the other day......
The darkness envelops me in its smothering embrace and I'm sinking in quicksand.
Stuck in an infinite loop of an obsessive thought that becomes my reality.
When it happens, I can't remember ever feeling another way.
The swirling vortex of fear begins and I can feel it pulling me downward.
The panic attack is winding up and ready to explode.
I glanced at my phone and saw a DM from 
I told him what was happening and what he said slapped the fear right out of me.
"It's just a feeling, and it doesn't have to mean anything you don't want it to mean."
Throughout my Cognitive Behavioral Journey, I've learned that I have a couple of automatic Thought Traps that lead to massive anxiety and/or panic attacks.
They are so ingrained within me that I often forget they exist.
They happen as easily as breathing, and trying to challenge them can be as uncomfortable as trying not to breathe.
My mind's 2 favorite thought traps are All or Nothing Thinking and Magnification or Catastrophising.
So, a thought that leads me to feel alone in the world defies all logic and becomes a permanent catastrophic reality from which there is no escape.
They don't control me.
They are not me.
Dark/negative feelings exist in contrast to feelings of positivity and light.
Darkness is not permanent just as joy is not permanent.
Both just simply exist.
This is how I challenged my negative Thought Traps, kicked them in their stupid face, and climbed out of the swirling vortex of despair that I had created.