I use steemit as a way to vent to get all of my emotions out so they don't turn into a ticking time bomb in my head. This Post However I am going to be very vulnerable with you. Warning some of this is a little GRAPHIC
I grew up with three other siblings. The order goes my older brother, myself, my little sister, my little brother. My older brother and younger sister I think are very much alike there attitude is more of a calm type where my little brother and I have a little more of a quick temper. I don't believe I was always like that though.
When I was a little girl I was quiet and shy. Probably Not so much in my home as I was in public in front of strangers. I had a hard time getting to know people. I lived in a small town in NY and spent most of my time outside playing in the woods and canoeing in Ponds. It was a simple Life but a beautiful one.
In 5th grade my father was accepted into a new job about four hours away. This meant a new school a new start. I remember riding the bus every morning and every afternoon to and from school. The bad part about this was you have one adult on the bus trying to keep an eye on way too many kids all while trying to drive this huge vehicle. This doesn't work too well. I remember a time sitting on the bus an older boy jumped in my seat right next to me. Till this day I still remember his name. I remember he had on these multi colored plastic bracelets, and they each meant something. If you broke a certain color you wanted to kiss them if you broke black it meant something far worse.. I remember him pushing himself towards me and I tried to push him away.He was so much stronger than me so I grabbed whatever I could grab which happened to be the bracelets and I ripped them which only made this kid push himself harder on top of me. I remember being so scared wondering if anyone was going to stop him.. where was my brother? Who would protect me? My brother didn't stop him but another boy on the bus did. It certainly could have been far worse than it was.
That day was a turning point for me, I felt gross like it somehow was my fault and I never wanted my siblings to ever feel the way I did. I wanted to know what they were doing, and who with. I at this point did not care about myself as long as I could protect my siblings. I as a 6th grade girl who proudly took that heavy weight on my shoulders.
Please do not take this post the wrong way. My brother is an incredible sweet brother and we have an amazing relationship. His Personality is more of the chill type and it takes a lot to put him in a bad mood or make him angry but when you do boy, he gets angry. I do remember a time riding bikes with him often, but one day this kid, who also rode our bus, called my brother out on the sidewalk and was saying terrible things about him. He simply Ignored. When that kid shifted his attention on me and called me a terribly degrading word, I remember the hidden anger come out as my brother threw down his bike and ran at this kid full force. When he was there he was an awesome brother. He was a teenager, he had his friends and hobbies and I had mine. When he left for the Military, I was left without my best friend.. I one hundred percent do not blame him for not being there to stop that boy on the bus. I just felt I had to be the one to take on the responsibility of looking out for my siblings whether they think they needed it or not.
To this day I still have a hard time not blaming myself for things that may have happened to them that I wasn't there to stop. I often think If I had a sibling like myself breathing down my neck wondering who I was with or what I was doing maybe I wouldn't have done half of the things I did. I just hope they see I was the over protective sister not to be a pain in their life, but because I love them and never wanted them to feel the way I did.
I carried this secret around for years before I told anyone. I wanted to move past it and learn from it. I appreciate the read and for allowing me to vent and drop some of the weight that has been sitting on my shoulders for a long time. I will not apologize for being the way I am. While I cared little about myself, I wholeheartedly cared for them. I will not apologize for that.